...quiet, about a lot of things...

Tuesday, October 31, 2006

What's so scary?

I'll tell you what... Character Development..Plot Lines...and 50k words in 30 days. Yeah me too..the novel thing..BLAH BLAH BLAH

What separates a good blogger...from a good writer.................................... C H A R A C T ERS. The ability to write other people into life.

Oh yeah..
Happy Halloween
Go here to see something I wrote on it a while back....

and I will be keeping my blog up...expect a lot of Whining.....

Does anyone ever pick the TRICK..in Trick or Treat....Let's see if I can get this NOVEL (ha ha, oh HA HA HA) written.. That wouldn't be a trick.. it would be a damn feat of MAGIC.

(Cloud of smoke...POOF..and she's gone, with much embellishment..}
posted by wendy at 8:34 AM 6 comments

Sunday, October 29, 2006

Once upon a time...For Sunday Scribbling

Crab Art....Whitsunday Islands AUS

That is the prompt....Faerie tales....go anywhere with it. Ok.

I suppose the root question..is do you believe in magic? Are you ruled by heart or head? Do you really believe anything is possible? Do you believe in good over evil...? Do you believe in the rhyme and reason of an elegant universe? Do you believe in hope against hope, and love for sake of love?


For if you do believe, in an instant, without thought or reservation, then, I proclaim it so. It can all be a fairy tale. But if you hesitate, if you entertain the gnawing bore of doubt, well, you are lost to the unbelievers, and then fairy tales, fairy tales are just for children.

Still, if your head is right, and your toes are pointed down the path, then it could all be true. All could be needed. All could be treasured as twists in the plot line. For if it were true, all being all, there would be no need for happily ever afters...because with your head right and your toes pointed down the path, then every step..is just one more step, towards home.

For more bedtime stories go to Sunday Scribblings
posted by wendy at 9:39 AM 11 comments

Friday, October 27, 2006

a little this..a little that

Firstly, I was back in the saddle today..Thanks for all the good wishes...My injured part..(ok it was my foot and toes)..swollen and bruised..was forced into my boot..and into my stirrup iron.

The whole post (last two) was inspired by a phone conversation w/ one of my horse crazy gal pals. She just displaced a disk...and is out for 4-6 weeks. She went for therapy,and her doc made a comment about competitive equestriennes. "Toughest women I've ever seen..just keep getting back on!" Hell YEAH! I shared the saga of my latest injury...and laughed because when it happened, I did not shed one tear. I had to sit down..immeadiately..cause it hurt so bad.. but not one tear. Riding beasts makes you one tough broad! We wondered if this was a good thing...or a bad thing.

Now on to an interesting prompt from Deirdre, on magazines..with a neat little segue way into Neils most current introspection.insecurity Friday.....Alas this little story is true.. oh..so many dirty little secrets...

After my dalliance with the muse, I fell in love with the actor..worse than actor..the Comedian..aka..THE DEVIL...ok, perhaps a bit to strong..How about Norman Bates..ok,,,we'll call him Tony..Cause he looked very much like a young Tony Perkins.

Tony was about as far away from the muse as I could get. The muse was an eagle scout..eager young pup. Tony on the other hand, was all motorcycle and wit. He was a regular at the Comedy Store...and he hit me like a freight train gone amuck. I saw him and I lost my breath. We had a several year "affair"..that spanned from coast to coast. I ran from him..back to him. Ran from him...wanted him to chase me...VERY MUCH DRAMA!!

Tony had me about as whipped as I have ever been. At one of the lowest moments of my life... I remember finding all of his PENTHOUSE mags...and in a fit of jealous insanity..opening them to the centerfolds and placing them all over his Hollywood apt( to which I had a key, because more often than not, I paid the rent...)I sat and waited for him to get home. He did...I went very GLENN CLOSE on him. I just remember feeling so betrayed. He was very well sexed.(at the time I did not know exactly HOW well sexed).I wanted to be enough. These women showed me I wasn't enough. I was very young..early twenties.

How times have changed!!..for Christmas a few years back, I bought my husband an art book on Playboy's history. I have come to see that this IDEAL form of "beauty" (aka sex)...is like believing in Santa, for men. Who am I to spoil that fun? I will never understand what drives men...Didn't Christy Brinkleys husband cheat on her??? There are just some things that are meant to be different about men and women. Period.

Tony and I were briefly friends after being lovers. We'd often laugh about that Magazine night afterwards. He would compliment me on CRAZY...I would remind him that I literally fed him..as in kept him alive for a couple of years.. and in the end a truce was called. He was at my wedding, danced with me, looked me in the eyes...and wished me happiness. I'm sure he was glad that he dodged that bullet...and I felt the same dam way.

My husband's coming home tonight. Almost 2 decades of craziness together..and not once, have I ever asked if I am enough. I know better now.
posted by wendy at 9:33 PM 6 comments

Thursday, October 26, 2006

Ode to Poetry Thursday...OR painkillers? what painkillers?

Ode to a broken girl

what happens
takes over?

pain comes.
instead of
crying tears
(for sissy's)

you get
on the

and cowboy
up, cowgirl!

wlf 11:20am

Ride on over to Poetry Thursday...for the real deal!


posted by wendy at 11:13 AM 10 comments

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

A logical conclusion.....

This Lovely beast...

Meets this beast

and Hijinx ensue...,resulting in this beast...

posted by wendy at 8:18 PM 9 comments

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

In small places..

There are days that not much makes sense. All seems false. Then God pops up, in small places. Masquerading as rose hips...The secret of creation...held safe in a scarlet red satchel. Humans know very little about life.
posted by wendy at 9:21 PM 3 comments

Monday, October 23, 2006

Your turn

Now you know the details of my most unlikely thing. What I want now..is to hear from everyone else.

Everybody has secrets. Everyone has dreams. I'm wondering if everyone has a drop jaw..NO WAY??...WAY!!Moment in there lives. Thing is...I have several. The one I wrote about and offered up...was probably the most dramatic.. But there are more in my life. It got me thinking..has my lack of definition in my life..strict boundaries..left me more likely to be surprised by life.

Maybe. My definition of "unlikely" is this. Something so totally bizarre or unexpected, that you have never wished for it..or feared it. You never entertained the possibility of it..never courted its grandeur or hid from its despair. It's the plot twist you never saw coming.

I was watching a DVD on how to work my new toy NIKON...(I know...geeky mc geek)and this topic struck me. They were talking about depth of field. The way the human eye perceives..and mimicking it with the camera.

Using the example of three objects on a table, the dvd demonstrated how focus can change..and add to perception. Hence the little unlikely twists I'm asking you to share. Change your focus. Don't think to much about it. Just think...what in my life didn't I see coming?

For examples sake I'll jot down two more of mine..of a lighter mood..
By the way..all true..I promise.

1. Lost my wallet in a NYC cab in the late 80's, came back home to LA..and HAD IT RETURNED TO ME!!! WITH THE WHOLE $20. still in it...VERRRY UNLIKELY.

2. Met my husband on the freeway...Shhhh.it's a family secret...

3. well....I'm waiting..shock me! Thrill me..make me giggle.......
posted by wendy at 9:58 PM 4 comments

Saturday, October 21, 2006

Not over...

This is a one time two part post. Please read yesterdays post The Most Unlikely Thing, before this ending. I want things to make sense. Thanks.

I threw the phone receiver all the way across my tiny kitchen.It was 8:15 am, on a national holiday. The game warden was NOT going to call back. My vet was not coming. My husband was a hemisphere away...a day in the future, who knew what timezone he was in. I sat down on the tile floor and stroked the grout with my fingers. The floor was still there. I was just checking. I was not floating above my body.The doe was dying, shaking on the cold snow. She was hidden in the gully, I could not see her. But she was there. I could feel her. My dogs could smell her. I wanted to disappear, to run away. Instead I took a shower. I leaned against different tiles. Felt different grout with my fingers.

There was a message blinking at me when I returned to the kitchen. The game warden. His cell. 9:05am. I called back. He said that they were half staffed, as it was a holiday. He asked for my county and problem. I told him. He paused. He could send an officer out, in the afternoon..by 3:00, to shoot the deer. They would leave her there. She was the same as road kill. He then said, she would die, on her own. I told him I knew that. But she was suffering. We were back where we started. I thanked him, and told him it wouldn't be necessary for an officer to come.

I phoned my vet. He pulled over his pick up to speak to me. I asked him, through sobs, what to do, what would he do. She was in shock he said..so pain was probably not an issue. He asked me if she could still raise her head. I told him she could, but she could not move her body. He said her spine had probably been compromised, but if she could raise her head she was conscious...and fearful. A prey animal unable to flee. He said ending her suffering was a good thing. A humane thing. He told me how to do it. When I heard him explain slowly how, I gasped. I said no. I could not. He echoed what the game warden had said. She would die on her own. But it would take hours. He told me, I could do this. It was the best thing, a good thing. If I did decide, afterwards, I could load her in the bed of my truck and drop her off at the clinic. He had more land, so he would dispose of her body. He knew I was worried about my girls, and my dogs. He knew I was a city girl.

It took me a minute to gather my supplies. A heavy plastic trash bag. Duct tape. Baling twine. Shaking hands.

I walked on the snow, through the gate, to the doe in the gully. I knelt down on the snow. I stroked her neck. She lifted only her head, turned an ear. Made a noise I had never heard before. Deer talk. I did not know that. She had huge eyes. Soft eyes. Tired eyes. It must have been a long night for her. I wondered if she was a mama yet. Probably not. She was too young. She was much bigger than I had thought though.

And then I killed her. I put my hands on her head. I placed the plastic bag over her muzzle. I wound the tape over her nose. I tied the twine around the tape. I applied pressure to her jaws. Dr. Shaw had told me that I could put the bag over her whole head...but it was more humane to not cover her eyes. She would panic, if I covered her eyes. I did not cover her eyes. I watched her breath in and out. the bag filling with her air. It took so much longer than I thought it would. So much harder to kill than I had thought. My hands got tired. I was shaking. I loosened my grip, and she breathed in again. She was still clear eyed. She was still there. I told her no. Stop. Go. Relax...I tightened harder. I turned away. I raged at God. I called the devil COYOTE. I trembled. I cried. I pressed. Pleading to the sky, staring at my breath as it hung cold in the air. I listened to her breath fill the plasic bag.

Then, the plastic was silent. I looked. Her eyes had turned. She was gone. I fell back, covered in sweat. I sobbed, wailed...and then I heard Maggie on the hill..."Mom???"
she was almost to the top of the crest, she almost could see me..I screamed so loud and so strong..."Get back in the house..NOW, GO NOW!!" I could not see her, but I heard her fall, and run on the crunchy iced driveway all the way back to the house. I heard the back door slam. The horses were scared. The dogs were barking.

An hour later, I came in the house. Maggie was in her bedroom. Rachel met me on the stairs. She thought I was hurt. She would call 911. She thought I had been attacked. I told her I was fine. I told her what had happened. I slid down the wall. My 12 year old daughter held me as I cried in her arms. She told me how brave I was. She told me I had done a good thing, she understood. She was proud of me.

I told her I had to. No thing should suffer. I told her I was scared. I told her how strong the will to live is. I told her the truth. Life is sacred. Death is hard. Death is part of life. I never really had known that before then.

I went upstairs to soothe Maggie my baby, my little girl on her top bunk, hiding.I picked up the phone when it rang. It was Michael. Rachel had called him. He'd been sleeping. I sat down on the bed. I told him we needed a gun.

Who knows what's for the good...we just try our best..That's all I know. For more...for good happy stories..go to Sunday Scribbling.

I'm done with this story...I hope it will go away now. I have offered it to the muse. My muse. I don't know why I would tell him this. We were kids together.We thought we could plan our lives. But I couldn't plan this. I could not have seen it coming in a million years.
posted by wendy at 12:13 PM 10 comments

Friday, October 20, 2006

The most unlikely thing.

Yesterday, I came across my muse,again, in an unexpected place. Then same day,I was reminded of the first story I had the urge to tell him. It has to do with the most unlikely thing to happen to me..in my life. v-grrrl wrote a post called Killing Me Softly. About animals and kids and love and death. It was a very moving story. I love animals...and have tried to save various animals throughout my life, baby birds, dogs, horses,bunnies. But that's not this story.

I'm writing this to appease the Helicon gods. I try to listen to life's cues, to find the rhyme and reason. But somethings you are not prepared for, you have no way of knowing. I said it is the most unlikely thing. It is that thing, for some reason, I see myself telling my muse...looking into his eyes..I would say..."I never, ever never thought this would happen. I could not have even imagined it."

Five acres isn't that much land. I could stand in the kitchen and see my fencelines. I had gotten used to it. I had really grown to love it, my little house on the prairie. Before we moved to the country, I worried that I may be scared out there on the dirt roads, far from the city, (ok, suburban) lights. But I felt safe. Safer than I had ever felt before. Michael traveled often, and yet I slept like a baby.

There was a lot of work to be done, even on a "boutique ranch." We built a barn and I quickly filled it with horses. My husband stretched smooth wire taut against wood posts. Gone were the barbs. Safe fencing. Safe horses. The dogs were more of a problem. Mia, the "SAINT" Bernard..was always escaping..to chase deer or fox. I worried constantly about coyotes..Mia could hold her own..but Emmy the golden, was 13 and getting old. As for the two terriers, they would put up a heck of a fight..but they would lose.

And then the night came. Rachel charged into the room..and said Mia had jumped the fence..and all the dogs followed her. It was February and pitch dark. Rach was crying. She'd heard something out there in the dark. She was scared, truly scared for the first time in her life.

I told her to go downstairs, and keep Maggie with her. I threw on my boots and ran out the back door through the snow with nothing but a plastic pink flashlight, with its pathetically dim light. I shook it in my hand to will it stronger..but no luck. I passed the barn and counted eyes, two by reflected two. All there, upright and present but a little too wound up for my liking. Shit.

Heading down towards the pasture gate, I remembered not recognizing the sound of my own voice. It was shrill and scared. I (am)was used to annoyed and worried..but scared..was new.I screamed a line of names into the night like a banshee..I started to panic.."MIA EMMY ZOEY ZEUS...where the f are you.."It was supposed to be a prayer. It came out sounding NOTHING like a prayer.

But then, there they were. Four sets of glowing eyes in the gully.In the gully, beside a fallen doe...,a young fallen doe. They could not have taken her down.She was too fast and too big. They had just come upon her or smelt her and her attackers..Yelping, baying, yowling in a confused frenzy, they circled her, nudging her with noses but no teeth. My blood ran cold. I screamed and flailed my hands..and THANK YOU GOD..they came back. With blood on their faces. I felt sick and stunned and so grateful all at the same time. My dogs were back. The coyotes would claim their kill in the night. It was a sad sick fact.

The dog brood locked securely in the chicken coop for the night, I shook and tried to sleep, wishing my husband was not on another continent. I cried. Maybe this was all too much. I slept and dreamt of wild coyote bands.

I was up early, to feed the horses. I tended to them..thew their hay..cracked the ice on the water tanks with a pick axe..patted a shoulder,kissed a muzzle. They were hungry and calm. Everything was better..the sun coming up over the pastures to the east. I walked to the gate..expecting to see a patch of blood in the gully. A sad patch of blood.

Instead I saw the deer. Still there. I was shocked by this, and worried. Why had the coyote(s) not come back?... My dogs must have scared them off...way off. AND THEN IT MOVED. The deer moved, on the snow, in the gully, on my land.

My daughters were sleeping in their rooms. My horses were eating their hay in their stalls. I was walking in the snow, to the gully, on my land, to see the doe. The doe who was not dead. I came up on her as she shook. She was very badly wounded, but alive. I had left her alive in that pasture, all night.

I was back in the house. I was on the phone. Calling my vet. Come. HELP. HELP HELP. My vet asked where, how bad. Here, very bad...missing parts. Please come and put the doe down. She was suffering. I had let her suffer. My vet was a rock. He calmed me down...had me breath and listen.

He couldn't do it. There were laws against it..Game laws...WHAT THE FUCK! He asked me if I had a gun. NO. I did not have a gun. I asked him if I could give her an injection..If any of my horse sedatives would be enough. Looking through the shelves of my fridge..past the eggs to the drugs...I listed them, Aceprozimine, banamine, Rompun, Torbugesic..but none of them was strong enough to kill the doe, dying in my pasture. My vet told me to call the office of wildlife management..then call him back. He gave me his cell. I called the game warden, and left a message...It was 7:30am. It was Lincolns Birthday..or at least..it was when we celebrated it in Colorado.

I'm going to take a break here. I'm not being coy. I'm not trying to have a cliff hanger. I just need a break. I'll finish this tomorrow, in the light of the day.
posted by wendy at 6:57 PM 4 comments

Thursday, October 19, 2006

What we Avoid for poetry thursday

Goodbye Lynn. I enjoyed your poems and point of view. Mostly I enjoy PT....and will be thankful to you always for the idea and the work of giving us a small place to meet.

I stutter. Not so much now..but when I'm nervous. A lot when I was a kid. I was a wicked smart kid.. with tons to say...and a broken reed that filled my mouth.

Updated..Fri...trying for a new title including the line from the above set up description. Thanks for the feedback.

A Broken Reed

A broken reed filled my mouth.
Was God playing a trick?

For instead of naming me
Heather or Hildey or Helen,
He planted the seed of Wendy
deep inside my mothers dreams.
Dreams of toeheads
and pink fingers.
Five in a row,
two by two.

Even now, I pause to
breath, before I say my name.
Conscious everytime I voice
the answer aloud. People,
only have so much patience.
It's a simple question for
God Sakes!

So for God's
sake, I quell the panic.
I soothe the bile.
Breath in through my nose.
Poised, as if on
pink toes,
I utter


I try for effortless.
I often twirl,afterwards.
a diversion of glitter
to break
the silence.

I listen
for applause.
The always willing
an inside joke
to God.

wlf 8:30am

More at Poetry Thursday


posted by wendy at 8:13 AM 13 comments

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

A week in the life..in Colorado

Above was last Saturday.

This was yesterday. Afternoon.

....and this is this morning. We move fast here in CO. Ya gotta keep up.....
posted by wendy at 8:08 AM 7 comments

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

It's a hot flash...no wait....

...that's my lap top....warming my thighs in bed. Since going wireless, I write in bed. im not sure thats always a good thing..But this morning it is. It's cold this morning. Supposed to snow to night. Only sticking on the grassy areas. Reminds me of that Annie Lebovitz photo of Lauren Hutton..all naked, and covered in muddy earth, cept for "greenery" on her "grassy bits". Very cool photo. Which reminds me I want that new book..a Photographers life..on Annie. Which also reminds me to tell you that my husband got me the Really TRICKED out Nikon d70s digital camera body for my b-day!!!So sweet! Now I just have to figure in out. I think I am going t have to take a class...and also a class on Adobe photoshop. I think there are far more ways to bang that drum...than I, with my monkey fists,have yet to figure out.

Which also reminds me to share how I spent my bithday. My fam all had other plans. Younger Maggie...had a date with the GRUDGE II...and her boyfriend..whose b-day is the same as mine. Friday the 13th. What a cowinky. (just dawned on me..he turned 13 on Friday the 13th...eeeerrrrie) Anyway, the whole group went to scream and frollic in the dark theatre on opening night. Older Rach and Michael went to Rach's homecoming game. I would rather poke my eyes out with sharp sticks..than go to this game..So I was on my own.

Full disclosure. I pouted a little. My husband offered to stay home. The look I gave him confirmed I would rather he didn't. The truth is..I was a little hurt that they all had Previous plans... but I DID NOT want a sympathy b-day stay home party. I just wanted to be a preemptive obligation.. Like "I can't its my Moms/Wife's B-day". Truth be told I try not to be into obligation that much...so I should be glad they all feel ok..with missing just a night....a b-day is just another day and night. The world does not stop turning.

So, there I was at home alone...feeling fully 8, in a birthday funk. So what did I do? I had 3 pcs of leftover pizza...watched "Being Julia" w/ Annette Benning, a true favorite. Ate a bowl of Chocolate cherry icecream ( a pleasant mistake bought by my husband) and took a lunesta and went to bed by 9:30. Guess what? It was a perfect birthday. I loved it. My family was off having their version of fun..and I was free to have mine. I am a blessed woman.....and all the b-day biz is gone! YAY! until...
posted by wendy at 11:16 AM 6 comments

Sunday, October 15, 2006

Double knots and Dragons for Sunday Scribblings

This prompt, like time itself, could go so many different ways. Even now, fingers poised to pounce, I don't know which way to turn.

Double knots and Dragons

The tears he shed fell easily.
Too easily.The hot red flush
on his cheek made the other
boys only laugh more. The door
was too far away to run. They
would catch him in two steps.

He may be dumb,
but he's not that dumb.

He had reminded mom about
the double knots. Had she
listened, or was she still mad
about the sheets? Hiding his head, he
felt shoulders shake too much. Not
Good. A sitting duck with tangled laces
is never good.

He wished the blacktop
to swallow him whole. In one gulp.
Without a sound,leaving only his shoe.
(but wishes are for babies.)

The touch he felt next was
not a shove, or a smack or a
fist at all. It was a barely there
puff, a pause, a breath. (Hadn't
mrs morris said when you take a breath
its a comma?) The touch he felt was a comma.
Between sobs, a comma, lifting only
the top of his head to peak.

At first he thought his wishing fairy
was a tablecloth for a picnic.
But as she bent down,he saw his mistake.
His wishing fairy was plain as Tuesday
in the lunchroom. Her hands covered
in the skin like an ordinary garden lizard.
There was no sparkle about her.

Her hair covered her eyes as she worked,
saying something about bunnies and spilt milk.
He was on his feet. She brushed off his bottom
like mom wipes a dish before it goes in the
cupboard. And then another comma. She squared
his shoulders in her hands. Only then, he
noticed her eyes.

She wasn't a fairy. No, not at all.
She was a dragon. Her eyes gave it away.
Had she been a dragon all along?

He braced himself in her clutches.
Flames were worse than fists.
Least, when he died, he'd have tied laces.

"Very few battles are won on your bottom.
Very few battles are lost on your feet.
Keep your chin up, and your shoes tied.
If you don't know how, ask for help.
and be careful what you wish for.
There's always a surprise at the end of
the story. Save your tears for the sad
parts. The bell has rung. Don't be late."

In straight lines, they marched back in.
More battles. More struggles.More tears.
But his time, was different.
He had double knots and a dragon.
Let the battle begin.

wlf 10:30

This really isn't a poem..just easier for me to write that way, I guess. Also I trying to appease the scribble goddesses...as I didn't write last Sunday...the character study.. Perhaps this can count as both??? Please? Pretty Pretty Please...

For more...Hurry, now, don't Dawdle...get to Sunday Scribblings!
posted by wendy at 9:45 AM 6 comments

Saturday, October 14, 2006

This is Now

Photoshop is cool.....just a fun toy to play with. So this is me now today. One thing about self portraits...They are hard! No wonder I didn't do many back in school. I went for moody here ...rather than "cute".... I thought this one showed how I'm Feeling too.. After this, perhaps a photo moratorium is in order...(Must say though, I do enjoy the photos of all of you...Not a clunker in the bunch..pretty good for a bunch of blog geeks) Thanks for all the good B-day wishes! You are a great tribe!

posted by wendy at 9:46 PM 5 comments

Friday, October 13, 2006

That was then....

In honor of my 42 b-day....here is then. Then being aprox 11-12 years ago. There aren't many portraits...let alone self portaits...of me laying around. This one in fact, is just a frame off a proofsheet..(remember those?) I don't even know where the negs are. it was an assigment..for advanced b/w.

It made me remeber how gloious film is...Tri X pan...they dont even make it any more.
It's out of date, I suppose. Happy Birthday to me.....
posted by wendy at 8:11 AM 9 comments

Thursday, October 12, 2006

Headline news for Poetry Thursday

Udated again...
I asked Twitches to help edit this...DANG! SHE IS GOOD.. and I don't even feel like pulling her hair out. I think she's done me justice..Thanks TWITCHES. YOU SO ROCK!!!

Amish Schoolhouse

Plow this schoolhouse under
with it take their bones.
God offers Nature bodies
Small,no more than stones
strewn upon this meadow.
Left upon this place.
Let winter cover often,
leave not but a trace.

Wood will be splintered.
Leaving only dust behind
to mix with the nails.
To break the ties that bind.

Please, grow no flowers here.
Let the beauty leave.
Have it as an ungrown field
lest they not believe.

Dust we all begin
To dust we must return.
No matter what our years.
Nor hate we did not earn.

wlf..with a little housekeepin' from my friend TWITCHES!

I'm very guilty of throwing udone poetry up on this blog..like spagetti on the wall. For those that read the first version..I apologize for it stiffness. Below is an edited version...still not quite right yet but better...

Amish Schoolhouse

Wood will be splintered.
Leaving only dust behind
to mix with the nails.
To break the ties that bind.

Dust they began.
So,to dust they must return.
No matter their years.
Nor hate they did not earn.

Uprooted by their pigtailed heads
plucked, careless as a weed.
Left thrown aside, tender roots
never to bear seed.

Plow this schoolhouse under
with it take their bones.
God offers Nature bodies
Small,no more than stones
strewn upon this meadow.
Left upon this place.
Let winter cover often,
leave not but a trace.

Yet, grow no flowers here
This pasture must remain
Barren, in the springtime.
Barren for the pain.
Barren with the hatred.
Barren with the fears
Barren for the children
Barren for the tears.

Please, grow no flowers here.
Let the beauty leave.
Have it as an ungrown field
lest they not believe.

Dust we all begin
To dust we must return.
No matter what our years.
Nor hate we did not earn.

wlf 8:30

More at Poetry Thursday


posted by wendy at 8:06 AM 15 comments

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Stranger than Fiction

Sadly, it seems that I write the same sentences over and over.

Guess what. Lock down at my school again. This is K-3 people. The oldest kids in the building are 8-9 years old. BABIES. We hide them behind lock doors. We pull the blinds.

Each time there is a threat, the school secretary will come over the loud speaker and say.. "Attention Teachers, Please check your e-mail, now."

This time it was a custody battle, a 6'4 Dad threatening anyone who stood in his way. Police. No child let out of the building. Period. Teachers.. Sure that's fine. Like I am going to be able to do anything about a 6'4 angry male. They never did say if he was armed. I don't want to know. I'd like to think that its just coincidence. But its more than that. The kid was in one of my classes. The child didn't even know that (he/she)) was involved. But I wonder what will happen this evening. What does nighttime bring for that kid.

Nighttime brought my two daughters waging their war against each other. And a plane crashing into steel building in NYC.

Same friggin sentences...over and over....It's all so much more tragic..and so much stranger than fiction.
posted by wendy at 7:16 PM 2 comments

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Credit is due

Yesterdays late night entry came from Neil at Citizen of the Month. In comments to him, I accused him of adding some content of a sexual nature...He loaded the original..along with some other more homoginized versions.I stand corrected. I promised to add some more questions...with my slant.

The above meme has a slightly good girl/bad girl ring to it...so I'll try to think of some that are less black and white..

Have you ever:

(x)Read your kids or Partners emails or diary.
(x)Given back incorrect change.
( )Not held an elevator door
(x)Yelled at you dog/cat for something not there fault.
(x)Apologized afterwards.
( )Sent somthing back to the kitchen
(x)Just thrown away dirty clothes.
(x)Talked your way out of a ticket
(x)Cried, for effect
(x)Done any random act of kindness
(x)Cursed God.
(x)Met someone on the freeway
(x)Met someone on an airplane
( )Spit out sour milk
(x)Dreamed of running away.
( )Run away.
( )Hit someone in the face with a closed fist.
( )Been hit with a closed fist
(x)Been stalked
( )Been the stalker
(x)Helped Birth something
(x)Killed something
(x)Admitted you needed to change.
( )Changed
(x)Grew something from seed
( )Forgave a Big disgression
(x)Feared for your life.
( )Withheld judgement
( )Gotten so lost you cried
(x)Played thru the pain
(x)stayed thru the pain
(x)Felt Special.
(x)Felt small.
(x)told the truth, and no body believed you.
( )Let a good thing get away.
(x)Froze with fear
( )Made your own jam
( )Gutted your own dinner
(x)Repayed a loan, when you didn't have too.
(x)Taken advantage..
(x)Been taken advantage of.
(x)Cracked yourself up..no one else there.
(x)Told the whole truth when it made you look ridicoulous
(x)spilled a drink on someone
( )been a waitor/waitress
(x)Gotten stuck on or in something
(x)had to be rescued
( )Had to be restrained
( )Bought somthing to show the world YOU'VE MADE IT!
(x)fixed someone up.
( )Worked for a campaign
( )Ran for office
( )Went to the dance with one, left with another.

Ok.. Thats it for now...You post on you blog...I'll read!
posted by wendy at 7:46 AM 1 comments

Monday, October 09, 2006

A full Life..

This was supposed to be for tomorrow...but I pressed the wrong button....Tomorrow..I'll think of some more things to add to the list.

PS...(-) means..well, depending on slant or spin.

Fill in what you’ve “done”:
(x) Smoked a joint
(-) Done cocaine...this is a felony...yes..so here I remain silent.
(X) Been in love
(-) Had a threesome..have had the offer. Declined.
(x) Been dumped
( ) Shoplifted
(X) Had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back
( ) Been arrested
(- ) Made out with a stranger. By the time one is making out..no longer a stranger eh?
() Gone on a blind date
(x) Had a crush on a teacher
(X) Been to Europe
(X) Been to Canada
(x) Been to Mexico
(-) Seen someone die Seen something die. Seen someone dead.
() Thrown up in a bar
(X) Met a celebrity
() Met someone from the internet in person
(X) Been moshing at a concert
(X) Gone backstage at a concert
(X) Lain outside in the grass and watched cloud shapes go by
(X) Made a snow angel
(X) Flown a kite
(x) Cheated while playing a game...had to think..not recently..but I'm sure its yes.
(X) Been lonely
( ) Fallen asleep at work
(X) Fallen asleep at school
(x) Used a fake ID
() Been kicked out of a bar
(X) Felt an earthquake
(X) Touched a snake
(X) Slept beneath the stars
(X ) Been robbed
(X) Won a contest
(X) Run a red light
( ) Been suspended from school
(X) Had braces
(X) Felt like an outcast
(X) Eaten a whole pint of ice cream in one night
(X) Had deja vu
(-) Totaled a car...was in a car when totaled...Did'nt take much to bend the frame of that white bath tub vintage porshe...OUCH!
(-) Stolen a car...Does your parents count..sneaking...??
(x) Hated the way you look
(x) Witnessed a crime
(-) Been to a strip club... my husband has tried..hasn't been sucsessful
(X) Been to the opposite side of the world
(X) Swum in the ocean
(x) Felt like dying
(x) Cried yourself to sleep
(x) Sung karaoke
(x) Paid for a meal with only coins
(X) Done something you told yourself you wouldn’t
(x) Made prank phone calls
(X) Caught a snowflake on your tongue
(x) Been kissed under the mistletoe
(x) Had a bonfire on the beach
(x) Crashed a party
( ) Seen a tornado
(X) Had a wish come true
( ) Gone bungee jumping
(x) Screamed in public
(x) Told a complete stranger you loved them
( ) Had a one night stand
(x) Kissed a mirror
(x) Had a dream that you married someone
( ) Gotten your fingers stuck together with super glue
(x) Been a cheerleader- Elementary school Green and white uniforms
(X) Sat on a roof top
( ) Talked on the phone for more than 6 hours straight
(X) Stayed up all night
(X) Not taken a shower for three days
(X) Made contact with a ghost while playing a Ouija board
( ) Had more than 30 pairs of shoes at a time
( ) Gone streaking
(X) Been skinny dipping
(X) Been pushed into a pool/lake with all your clothes on
(x) Had sex in a public or semi-public place
( ) Been kissed by a complete stranger
( ) Broken a bone
(x) Caught a butterfly
(x) Mooned/flashed someone
(x) Had someone moon/flash you...My husband..all the time. Honestly, It gets old.
(x) Cheated on a test...this is about telling the truth ...right?
(X) Forgotten someone’s name
(X) Slept naked
posted by wendy at 8:26 PM 1 comments

It's Quiet...I'm Scared.

A loss for words. No, really a loss for SANE words. Wild mood swings. This happens each year...around my b-day. Reasons..

#1. Christmas, Birthdays and all major holidays sponsored by Hallmark...are MUCH ADO ABOUT NOTHING. Contrived and coy. Don't get me wrong...I'm not the Grinch...I just enjoy the feeling...the decorations..better than the day. As for birthdays...I think I'll start to skip them. This is partly because of...

#2. The Season. I love fall. I am OF fall. Born into frost on the pumpkin. LIAR!!Born in So Cal..Frost never came..but fall still arrived. How? SHORTER DAYS that's how. This more than any one factor, changes me. At first, It BUMMMS me out. That's where I am right now. Bummed out. Missing sunsets at 8:00pm. Missing the crickets. The trees have started to drop their colorful leaves..piling them instead on to the ground,left strewn,to start decaying. Time to prune the branches, bare and unprotected...exposing all this years wear and scars. Aren't we all glad we are not trees..How many fingers would you have left? I would be wildly lopsided.

#3. First comes 41,then comes 42. Just a mathematical fact. In school we are studying math story problems of two parts. As in...

Suzy had 7 apples. Her friend Mia, ate 4 of them (PIG). Suzy was sad. BUT THEN Manuel gave her 6 more apples. How many apples does she have now? ((Is she at last HAPPY?) Will she ever offer to share again..or will she hoard from this day forward. Trust issues. Damn that Mia and her love of apples.. Never mind..))On topic...
What Math do we have to do?

So here's my story problem...Certainly more lucid(nudge,nudge,wink,wink).. than the above example..Sure it is..

Wendy had 41 years. She wasted fully (x) of them. How? None of your business, cheeky bugger! Now, she will get 1 more. When will she learn to live? When will she die? What math will she do? Why?

A perspective problem. Where to add?...Where to subtract? Solve for (x)? or is (x) irrelevant? Meant only to confuse...

I know...you tell me. Show your work.

Meanwhile...where are my MEDS! I need my meds..and my clicker(TV). And my blankie...
posted by wendy at 9:33 AM 6 comments

Thursday, October 05, 2006

Body and Soul for Poerty Thursday

Must be in the air. Thinking about bodies. Maybe it's because we don't shed our leaves. Maybe fall is the season of taking stock. Seeing whats where. Noticing differences. Chief Biscuit is back. "As It Happens" on my Links. I love her poem about her body. Definately read it. Simple. Perfect.

Neil at Citizen of the Month is such a brave soul. He talks about Body...and size and fashion. A VERY ON THE BUS GUY...

View my post below and my big noggin head, left..to see I am in my b-day month...and at war with my self image.

So the poetry Goddesses at PT asked for an offering on Body. I spent all day at a pumpkin patch, with my special need triplets. So my mind is pumpkin pulp mush...but my fingers are willing. My lungs are breathing and my heart is beating...so I'll try to muster something..cause ..I want to PLAY TOO!!!!

Body and Soul

Straight down my back
half by half,
my body has always
been two parts
not one.

Two sides at war
yet somehow still in love
like complicated
siamese twins.
One pushy and strong
One desperate and bound

Spine in the middle
a gate of bone
a fence for flesh.
To divide the have
and have nots.
To protect the lies
keep out the truths.

Locked inside deep,
my soul bridges the gap.
Quiety waiting.
No prision song it sings.
This is not a trap.
Just one stop.
Just one skin.

It knows both sides.
Feels no need to argue
anyones point.

This body is nothing more
than an ill made suit.
sewed by a drunken tailor.
Merely a slipped seam.
It took only an instant
To drop that stitch
to lose the pattern.

No matter. All will mend.
The time will come,
(It is coming)
My soul knows,
as it settles in,
A costume
change is
written for
the next act.

wlf 4:53

Lets go to Poetry Thursday!


posted by wendy at 3:54 PM 15 comments

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

Let Me Explain....

As with any of my convoluted stream of consciousness rationalizations..I mean explanations..this one has several streams to row...down..

Subject: Why the big bubble head picture of my face?..(see left, Ya CAN NOT miss it)

Answers: (in Random order)

1. Came across this silly site...my heritage dot com. Where they analyze pictures of you...and pictures of celebs...and tell you FINALLY..who you look like. You can put in different photos..and see who keeps popping up. So... this is one of the photos I used. Here's who I look like...Katie Couric, 78% match, Kate Botsworth 70% match...and that chick from Melrose place...The blond who always like Billy..and is in According to Jim..Courtney something...72% match..at the bottom...RalpH Lauren...58%. REALLY! RALPH? Huh..Didn't see that one coming..As for the stats...Some I've been told before....

The really interesting part, is that I did a pic of the daughters and myself..and we all share common celebs..Genetics at work..cool.

My husband looks like Dennis Quaid. That's fine by me.

2. This thought has been present for a bit. My daughters going through this age old dilemma right now. Here it is....Smart Girls always feel they can't be smart and attractive at the same time. Sometimes I feel this need to show I can be both. She can be both. My youngest daughter, is athletic and cute. She is smart also..but if you asked her to list her selling points..I don't think she would find it important to list. But Rach would. Very cerebral...and quiet, like me. She is confident in her brain power, but not her beauty..It kills me.

There are a lot of girls that post their pics on their blogs. Good advertising..vanity, and then the small percentage that are coming to grips with it all. I'm somewhere in the middle.

And then there is that CP thing.. I wrote Neil, at Citizen of the Month...about the stereotyped "disabled" person.. and the fact that some folks I come across..have a hard time with me. I wrote that I was an attractive disabled woman. The words stuck in my fingers..I almost couldn't write them. But they are here in my mind. Some People have said I'm too cute to be...."or you're so pretty..I didn't notice that..." I AM NOT SAYING I AM A SUPERMODEL. Please please please don't think that..I'm just saying that in our minds eye, disabled and pretty don't go together...and maybe even smart and pretty too. That's why so many women feel the need to post pics..to prove they are both. Dooce..are you listening??? I'm admitting I'm no different..

3. It's very near my birthday...I always freak out..time passing..botox needles..ect..near my birthday. Whole internal clock thing..Karl at Secondhandtryptophan took on Birthday dares. He's a whole lot braver than I'll ever be..Just for clarity..no Botox needles..yet...But I'm thinking...I'm thinkin....and feeling the need to stare at myself for a while...
posted by wendy at 7:30 AM 6 comments

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

Todays Lesson

I didn't mention last Thursdays lockdown at the elementary school I work at. Bailey (another Colorado school)is in the Mountains. Not close. But for school officials, close enough...I didn't mention that my daughters were scared to go to school. I didn't mention I was working about 15 minutes away from Columbine in a 2nd grade classroom on that day,years ago. I had gone home for lunch..and saw it on the news. I drove back and told the school. 10 minutes later, panicked parents started arriving to pick up their kids.

And now more dead girls at an Amish school.That Columbine day keeps repeating.Stuck on something. Tripping on what? What have we failed to explain or address? What example have we glorified? I have to go to work now. I wonder what I'll teach today.
posted by wendy at 7:57 AM 5 comments

Sunday, October 01, 2006

Slip me some skin...for Sunday Scribblings

I've mentioned before that my muse is a real person. The thoughts of him are very visual and have a kismet tone to them. Lots of our real life together was mundane boy meets girls stuff. But certain moments are etched more dimensionally in my mind. Unlikely. Ironic. Romantic and tragic. This next story really did happen, and changed me, in a profoundly quiet way.

Quick trip down background lane...Muse is an old lover. We were star crossed for a bit. He was at college. I was at another college,(soon to drop out...) His parents REALLY did not approve of me. Muse was a very good boy...had been an Eagle scout (on my honor..)He is very bright..and from a slightly sagging uppercrusty family. Sagging as they may have been..his parents could plainly see I was trouble, a distraction. His mother really didn't dig me, one little bit. Never invited to dinner. So that's the background...here's the story.

Flash forward ..I was about 24 Muse was 23. Both of us were living in the Bay area. Totally separate lives. I was working in the fashion industry, managing a showroom on Market Street. I always knew I belonged in San Francisco. I was happy, single..not quite Mary Tyler Moore..but close. I had stopped into a bar with my office friends. Margaritas on the rocks. I miss Margaritas on the rocks.

Standing at the bar, I was picked up, (yep, that's what it was) by the most beautiful young man. He happened to be african american. He had the most beautiful skin I had ever seen, amber eyes, and a wicked line. I let him reel me in. He bought me a few drinks, got my phone number,and promised to call when he was back in town. He lived in LA but was in the bay area frequently. He kissed me on the cheek, smoothly, and hailed me a cab. His name was Milton.

He called, and we dated for a bit. I have never been treated like he treated me. Now, my husband has a deep abiding love for me. But Milton treated me like a queen. He was quite a gentleman. Schooled back east,he worked for American Express. He was very articulate and knew about tons of things. He let it be know..he was interested if I was. He also asked me if I had ever "been" with a "black" man before..No. I hadn't. But as Mary Magdalen say in JC Superstar "I've had so many men before, in very many ways, he's just one more"

But it was different. It was exotic. He saw a beauty in me, in my green eyes. In my blond hair. In my shapely booty. I saw beauty in him. He had an elegance I had never known. He was Suave without being "lounge lizardy." He was cool. We never slept together. But sparks flew. We would have..but long distance is hard.

One Sunday he came to pick me up to take me to brunch. At the time I lived in Cow Hollow, just by Pacific Heights. Yuppie central. We would get the occasional sideways glances. But I didn't care. I liked being with him. Skin color was not an issue. He was one of the smartest men I knew. I was always happy when he was in town. So, happily arm and arm, we walked down Chestnut Street. Glancing up..I heard my name.."Wendy??". And there he was, my muse. Arm in arm with his mother. She was pale white as a ghost. We stopped briefly, though I can't imagine what we said. Before I knew it..we had passed...and Milton squeezed my arm and laughed, a naughty little laugh. He had seen her look too..but to him it was just funny..as ignorance and bigotry can be. She was a poster caricature of the uptight white woman. As she judged me..(clutching her son's arm, as though she may swoon,) Milton put her into prospective for me. He treated her as a child...unable to understand or grasp a concept.

That day I learned that people will see what they want to see. My muses mother saw all her dirty little prophecies come true. I was the bad girl she always knew I was. My friend Milton saw years of stupid bias. Blind judgement. He closed his grasp on my hand in such a reassuring way. He walked me past them,his head held high, and treated me like the prize. Nobody was taking that away, from him...or me. I didn't bother to glance back. I just looked into his amber eyes, and admired him. He was so beautiful.

For more Skinny Dips... go to Sunday Scribblings.
posted by wendy at 6:54 PM 5 comments