...quiet, about a lot of things...

Monday, September 25, 2006

All's well, that ends......

The statements most commonly described as "platitudes" are short proverbs and aphorisms which are intended to motivate or encourage another person, but which are in reality overly-simplistic or cliché; for example, "You will succeed if you try hard enough", a statement which ignores the simple fact that it is entirely possible to fail in spite of one's best efforts.

This is from a google search...and it describes my weekend and my loathing of the cliche'.

I did..as always, take the opportunity for a teachable moment. My friend, whose lovely horse I rode(badly) all weekend brought her 9 year old very sophisticated daughter to the show to watch my classes.

After things did not go "exactly" our way..I walked to the show office with Dee..and told her a secret. I told her the truth... I told her that being a good sport, riding for the ride, not the ribbons...and not getting wrapped up in out comes...does not always come naturally. As much as your head wants to be cool, and calm..focused on the bigger picture..Sometimes your heart still cracks with disappointment. It's Christmas morning, and no, Virginia...there is no Santa Claus for you.

I didn't say it quite that way. I just told her that sometimes being a good sport...takes practice. It's OK to know its hard to keep your chin up.

I then took her hand...and marched into pick up my scores,to face the music...and my disappointment with a smile on my face. I told the truth. The truth is hard.

Dee will be in the show ring by next summer...and hopefully..she will have remember our talk..when she gets handed a ribbon..of any color other than Blue. Hopefully she will remember it takes a little practice, to lose with grace.

As for the winning...well, that will take care of itself. It always does.
posted by wendy at 11:08 PM 3 comments

Sunday, September 24, 2006

Instructions for Sunday Scribblings

I give lots of instructions. I am a mom, a teacher, and as a wife/partner, very vocal in bed. So when people ask for direction, I give it.

I have been at one of my excruciating dressage shows this weekend..I'll be back in an hour or so...for the last day of torture. To train for these tests, I receive hour upon hour of instruction. Yet in the ring, for my five minutes...I'm not always sure that it is apparent. Sometimes listening to direction..is not enough. The difference between instruction and performance..is counted out in milliseconds. How quick your brain tells your spine to tell your muscles to tell the horse to tell his muscles. In my sport(well this part of it...the BALLET part...) its all about precision, and instantaneous reaction, with no tension. Did I happen to mention, that we went from mid 70's here in Colorado..to 32 this morning and two straight days of rain. (HUMPH!)

So Here's a quick note to the right side of my body..some instructions if you will:

Dear Spazzy Side,

Please take a breath. Right hand..Please release your death grip on the rein..and your poor horses mouth. Right thigh..you are no longer in the womb..so stop your search for the fetal position. Right calf...well, just do what you can... And Head.. although it may look cute in pictures to tilt coyly to the side..could you PLEASE sit straight...on the neck. And DAMN It..eyes is I have to tell you One
more time...look up..be proud...Show that face. Burying your chin in your neck will not hide the flaws already mentioned. Stare down that Judge. Let Her see you mean BUSINESS. She is just like a dog..she senses fear.

Now brain this is for you...Relax. Start for even one second to believe that you are ready. Believe for one second that this will happen. Believe that this is YOUR time. Remember the work. Enjoy the moment.

Love,
Your Strong Left side.


One more word on instructions....most of them say...REPEAT often.. LIVE STRONG...REPEAT....BELIEVE.good..now REPEAT...again, and again and again....

For more instructions go to Sunday Scribblings....
posted by wendy at 9:00 AM 4 comments

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

My True voice...For Poetry Thursday

This is more than just a little intimidating. I feel like I speak Wendy pretty fluently. I try to be honest. I try to write what I would say..well not SAY OUT LOUD..hence the blog title. I try to write what I think to myself. But TRUE VOICE...just be myself..turns out to be a very hard prompt.

Perhaps this speaks of mental illness..and my always present race towards sanity. Ok a bit too overstated...my ever present quest for normalcy. I have always BADLY wanted average. Completely adequate and run of the mill. I came out of the box different.Day one, breath one...different.

So I guess behind the anger, and humour, and the smoke and mirrors...The plain truth is I'm a girl always longing to be something I never will be. As melodramatic as that sounds...This truth has led me to the life I have. Much of my life surprises me. But some of it...I swear, I could feel it coming all along. I just waited for it..and let it happen.

So here's another first draft poem...I hope I'll keep it real..

First Magic

I wake up
groggy, mouth full
of stale cotton.
I feel nothing but
opening eyes.
My throat hurts
but that's all.

Thoughts of sweet
dreams flee swiftly
from the swirl of sick,
gaining ground.
Up my body.
Hitting the shore.
Taking me with it
tossing me forward.

Now I am awake
Pain brings me back.
I remember now.

Where is she?

The blanket is heavy
against me, and empty
as I am, I shake still
under its weight.
The rattle of the gurney
brings the nurse
and the needle and the shot
and the waves stop breaking
and the pain is gone.
and my eyes are open.

Where is she?

Nurse tells me
I must wait
til my pressure is normal
and my vitals are strong.
I promise to be
a good girl.
i am a good girl.

My prize is waiting
wrapped in a blanket
A round head
and two perfect eyes
and two perfect hands
and two perfect feet
and one perfect mouth
that searches for me.

I look down
and feel they
must have pulled
her out of a hat.
perfect pink,
as a bunny.
as soft as
a promise
as deep as
a prayer.

I thank god
for magic.
I hold her.
I dare.


wlf 10:13pm


Check out Poetry Thursday...

Labels:

posted by wendy at 9:13 PM 8 comments

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Training is training...



This lovely creature is Roux...OK show name Chocolat. This guy has taught me so much...all,as I tried to teach him. He has taught me to be patient. He has made me more alert. He has shown me, that most living things, human or horse, resist when they are scared, or don't understand. He has taught me that there are times for empathy and taking it slowly...and then there are times to suck it up...and do it. He has taught me he will be a good partner..but he needs me to be the leader.. A trustworthy leader...a consistent, fair, sane leader.

He has taught me how to teach kids. He has taught me to wait out the tantrum. To ask the same question in different ways, until I get the right answer. He has shown me that things change...and what WAS a problem yesterday...may not be TODAY...or visa versa.

Sometimes I feel over my head, with my kids at school. One step forward, two steps back. Then I think of Roux. I set my sights, and stay my course. Training is training.....be it "Kinder" or Horse!!!
posted by wendy at 8:18 PM 2 comments

Monday, September 18, 2006

It's getting too crazy!!


I'm Stressed out! So here's a Pic...That makes me Happy!! the caption would be this:

"Chill OUT mom....The world's A PLAYGROUND!"

By Zoey Colored Glasses..

PS... Where's my treat?
posted by wendy at 8:24 AM 4 comments

Saturday, September 16, 2006

Going on a Google hunt for Sunday Scribblings.

About one year ago, I was a Google virgin. I wasn't much of a computer gal...other than my strong Ebay fetish. If I did have to search, I did it on Yahoo. Then I saw a movie..and heard the phrase "google it" for the first time. Then I found out you could google people, and I was hooked. I googled 3 people. First myself. Then My Father. Then My Muse. I've come to find out that googling oneself is common, and called a Vanity Search..(there's a name for a blog...)

My father is (was?) a baby boomer..so there's not much on him..I just know he lives(or lived?) where I last heard he did. There is just a vesper trail of him. Typing in my maiden name...that links me with him..the last and only thing,..feels profoundly disconnected. No longer am I the girl with his name. I am a woman with a new title..MRS, and a family of my own. Daughters and a husband he has never met. A house and stairs and things he has never seen. Addresses he has never known..never sent birthday cards or Christmas greetings to. So, I guess I know more about him then he knows about me..In a way, Google did its job.

A google on me is...well, pretty boring. Has my competition stats..and a few other misc. entries. A google of my husband reveals..Guess what..He's a business man! No earth shaking secrets uncovered..Just a sketchy trail of activities..with huge holes.

A google of my muse, however..is the Mother Load of info! Turns out..he lives for google..I found it very amusing that I innocently googled him..and found that he lives in a penthouse in Googleland. He's well connected, in the Family..and his hits..are in the thousands...He's spent A lot of time considering google. So in a way..I googled..and google found me my muse.


Yet again, the search is always incomplete. All google can give you is dots on the grid. Bits of days, pcs of lives. Innuendo of information. Push pins on a map. Now I knew where everyone was...but I didn't really have any answers. I didn't know why. Google CANT tell me WHY...and It even struggles with HOW.

Google is good at WHAT. Google can give you the finely traced outlines. But where are the Colors? Where are the shades? I can find the info, but not the knowledge. I can find the numbers, but not total.

I've read Google referenced as the Data base of intentions. What had I intended with my maiden searches? I'm not sure that is clear..even now...So if there is a database..perhaps its a database of confusion..or demons..misgivings.

But all in all, It's still a whiz bang place to find a pumpkin pie recipe...or how to administer my horses meds..But when it comes to the greater searches for meaning...I don't think they programmed it for that.

Let's go see who looked for what on Sunday Scribblings.
posted by wendy at 8:23 PM 9 comments

Friday, September 15, 2006

I Hate Blogger Beta

I have shrouded my blog in black...to show HOW MUCH I HATE blogger beta. For some reason, now I'm not allowed to post pictures w/out destroying my layout..and if I try to have a picture in my posts..BLOGGER WONT LET ME....arrrrrhhhgggg. Here I'll try... oh hey...It worked...um Sorry BloggerB...but I still kinda Hate you...




Yes, I am now officially, the Shortest person in my family..
well anyway..I'm going off to drown my frustration in serious Mexican (food).
posted by wendy at 6:11 PM 2 comments

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

BAHHH HUMBUG!

Ya know what? Pain sucks. There is nothing worse than waking up in pain. Usally I would put on my cheery face and say how I have a high tolerence...BLAH BLAH BLAH!!!All CRAP! It sucks..times three. Where's a hot water bottle when you need one?
posted by wendy at 7:25 AM 2 comments

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

9/12....

Yesterday, I didn't post anything. I'd like to say I spent the day remembering the events of 9/11. As many have said, really the whole world has said, if you were alive and over the age of 3, 9/11 is burned in your memory. I'd like to say I observed a day of silence and reverence and contemplation, instead of 10 secs..or 30 seconds or what ever. But the truth is I went about the day, as I always do. A typical American, in many ways..taking care of business.

I would pause and see the leaves starting their last flash of life, The brilliant kick to the surface, the one last breath, before fall. I would pause. and remember. And then the light was green and someone was honking, and I moved on.

I would think of how cool the air is becoming at night, and cross my arms to keep a little warmer, and remember the planes, and the hate,...and pause, and then the dogs would bark, and I'd be off to shoosh them. The dogs barking is one of my "big" daily Middle class American problems.

I would finally retreat to my bed, with its comfy pillows, and its fan overhead offering droning white noise to lull me to thoughtlessness. I would think of the pain in the faces on the news, and the true evil in the hearts of men, in the name of their GOD and their COUNTRY...I would pray hard for peace... and then my daughters would start their own angst driven battles. Screaming piercing the night, laying to rest any fallacy I may harbor. I set off to restore peace in my house, scratch that..cease fire in my house. A temporary restraining order. It's time to prune the hate from my own back yard.

After many a long, hard day with one of my kids at school, as they pack their backpacks to go home..usually stickerless(aka bribe-less)..I help them hoist their burdens on their backs. They are tired...so am I. I bend down..to look which ever 5 year old in the face. I say today(at school) is in the past. I take a small hand in my old hand and walk down the hall. I tell him/her tomorrow is another day..a new day. A chance to start again...and make it better.

I wonder, this morning...If they know that I am lying sometimes. Well, if not lying, certainly trying to convince my self that, indeed, it could be true. As I put him on the bus..I am praying... "God, make this be the child to make it true. Let this be the child TO MAKE IT ALL TRUE."
posted by wendy at 7:27 AM 3 comments

Thursday, September 07, 2006

Working Blue for poetry Thursday

I may have mentioned this before,but I used to be a photographer..I suppose I still am..but I used to spend hours in the dark room. I swore I'd never go digital. I hand pastel tinted split toned sepia prints. I obsessively looked and tweaked and looked some more. I lived for the right crop..psychological enclosure was my THING.

And then I was seduced by Adobe..oh you photoshop WHORE!! The whole world of manipulation opened it gaping jaws...and I fell in. So today I post two things. First, If i can upload it, a portrait I did just this week. It's a picture that's lived in my mind ever since my friend bought a palomino pony mustang for her (then 3 year old) daughter. I waited a long time for this shoot. My old business (photography) was called Gifts of Light. God gifted me with this chance to see this dream made real.

OK so I cant upload..so I'll add it to the sidebar...ugh

Next is my poem inspired by adobe photoshop....


Modern processing

In the dark room
I peer into shades of gray
and absolute black
to make sure I still
see detail in your shadows.

The highlights
should sparkle
but blown out
is lazy.
The art, to
put on film,
record on faith.
Shoot it right
in the camera.
Don't crop for reality,
capture the truth.
1/60th of a second
and a steady hand
are needed.

Those days are gone.
Now, I need only my
screen. I work with
lights on, in the
broad of day.

How surprising to
find so many
shades of blue
hidden in the pixels
of your eye.
Creation
reveals
an art editor
God.

wlf 10:30 pm

Find more Blue today at Poetry Thursday

Labels:

posted by wendy at 12:01 AM 12 comments

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

What Turns a Rant....

Over the weekend I watched the HBO series "When the Levee's Broke". A special thanks to January of Poet Mom fame for urging all of us to watch.

I was left feeling all fired up. The next day I drove for an hour to a horse thing with my lovely REPUBLICAN, George Bush Supporter friend. We have very different political views. And like good Americans, we respect the freedom of this country. The freedom to disagree and still care deeply for one another.

I could not help but talk about what I had seen. She listened, asked questions, nodded. She's used to me being fired up. We waded thru this murky filthy subject. Pulling into our destination, she asked me what I was Personally willing to do to change the problem. The problem, we had decided, was the ever widening unwritten set of rights that separate the wealthy and poor in this country.

She asked me this as we pulled in to ride, our horses, our very expensive toys, in our Free Time, driving down Colorado's beautiful country roads. I am not rich. She is almost rich. But if you divided the country into have or have nots...we both HAVE.

I finally shut my mouth when she asked me what I was willing to do. I had to think about that. We tacked up our horses..and got on.

I finally said this...

"I watched this program with Mags....and talked about the problems. I watched the whole thing...even when it was hard too. My vote hasn't done much lately to guide my government. But I will keep voting. and I will keep having Republican friends like you. I love you..even though with Bush I seriously don't know WHAT you are thinking.
I will play devils advocate. and I'll be thankful of what I do have..and Never take all of this for granted."

This morning I'm still thinking about this. I'm getting dressed to go to my job..a job that pays so poorly that it almost feels like volunteer work. I'll work in the school with those kids that I will NOT LET be ignored, or as Bushie Boy would say, Left Behind. I'll get in the trenches, and in bed with the enemy, the plan that will not work. I'll help one kid at a time. and never take any of it for granted. I'll groom the future. One runny nose at a time.
posted by wendy at 7:35 AM 6 comments

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

Passionate Death

I'm sure theres a million bad jokes that could be made about Steve Irwins death. I, however, am really deeply saddened.

Any time you meet someone with a true passion, they can appear a bit crazy. It was clear that Steve Irwin loved his job. More than that, he loved and respected the animals he worked with. I know that the idea of being hurt by one of my animals never occurs to me when I'm with them. I am careful, there are certain "horsemanship rules" that are always in play when I am with them. Owing a St. Bernard, as one of our 4 dogs, I am always aware of the power and prowess of a large Canine.

Still, large parts of my life are spent in the company of animals. I know them as well as some of my human friends.

But just as with human relationships, mistakes happen. Mis-steps occur. Accidents are a reality of life. Senseless stupid accidents. Ironic twists and hidden agendas perhaps. Or perhaps its just this.

Some passions are such that you throw caution to the wind. For the thrill and the moment of truly being alive, enjoying the play and bliss of life, you step out of the ordinary, beyond the safety ropes of the observer. No matter how careful you are, being a payer is most likely always more dangerous than being in the audience. Yet you could die silently in your seat,just watching.

The owner of my barn, probably in her late 60's and still gorgeous, is off for two weeks in Africa. She takes a safari on horseback every 5 years or so. I marveled at this before she left. So WILD!! So Adventurous! but more than a little dangerous. She shrugged and said she never considered that aspect of it. She told me that the memories are worth it. Her favorite is the memory of being on horseback with her guide and one friend...and coming up on a bachelor band of giraffes. The guide whispered to the ladies..."just follow me.." and kicked his horse into a full gallop. This mobilized the whole HERD..and my friend found herself galloping among the giraffes..Her at break neck speed..the giraffes loping on beside her. As she recalled the story, I could still see her awe and excitement. If told that would be her last memory...she would say it was worth it. I'm sure.

So, to Steve Irwin, I say...I enjoyed watching you live your life. God speed.
posted by wendy at 7:30 AM 5 comments

Sunday, September 03, 2006

Sunday Scribblings: Fortunes of the fun Christian

The prompt for this morning is "Fortune Cookies". An interesting prompt.

Fortunes of the Fun Christian

One of my very best friends, is a true Christian thru and thru. She is, as we speak, leading her Bible Blast class...over a hundred kids talking about and memorizing whole scripture passages. They have to be word perfect to get credit, she tells me over coffee. WORD PERFECT. She giggles. She is the kind of christian I adore...The fun kind. The kind that thinks God's got a plan AND a sense of humour.

She is also one of my riding buddies. We have cracked up over very inappropriate, OK crass jokes while spending hours together at the barn or in the saddle. Though we are now at different barns,(lots of high drama at barns..mostly all white, rich, women...need I say more)we still talk weekly. She will call to give a rundown of her lessons that week, or how she did at the shows. Sometimes she'll report that her dressage trainer had her sitting the trot so long...that her GIRL is SCREAMING...(take a moment to think about it...If she was a man, her BOY would be black and blue) I'll ask her if she has a bag of frozen peas in her freezer..they are perfect to conform to that area. We then cackle. Like I said, she's one of those fun Christians.

We have been known to have 4 hour lunches..talking about this and that...Driving the waiters crazy, with our refusal to leave. Don't worry, we always flirt a bit with them...and leave a big tip. PF Changs is a favorite hangout...we always share dessert. At the end, comes the fortune cookies. Friend C breaks hers open, first and reads out and very LOUD..."You will find a curious choice ahead...IN BED!!!!" Lots of business suits popp to attention.

C laughes..."you always say in bed..after your fortune...duh!!" My Sunday school Bible Blaster friend..has me blushing. Silly girl!

"Well go on"...she quips..."Let's see what in store for you!!"

"Michael is in Australia...duh.."I say..snapping mine open to find mine.....empty.... "NOTHING. Great!!NOTHING IN BED...!"

"Not so fast"..my friend laughs.."That a FREE BE..a fill in the blank...anything you want....in BED!"

"Are you sure They know this side of you at the church..."I say, burying my face in my napkin. "Children are in your care, WOMAN!"

Walking to the door, after lunch, arm in arm, we are still laughing,when she says..
"Hey, have you ever found out what your stripper name would be??"

Complete blank panic on my face...."Uh, No Dear... I say "Do you need me to drive you home??"

"Oh stop," she says, getting her keys out..."It's your first dogs name and your mothers maiden name put together." She glances down at her watch, and says.."Oh Shit..I'm late...kids will be home before me...Gotta Go. Love ya..." Trotting of on her high heeled boots she shouts over her shoulder.. "Mine's Taffy La Croix....think about it...bye".

Did I mention she is my Fun Christian Friend.....


That all for now, this is Abagail Ginger ale Wittman signing off!


Go to Sunday Scribblings for more on topic Fortune Cookies!
posted by wendy at 9:34 AM 6 comments

Friday, September 01, 2006

Conspiracy!!!!

A couple of days ago, I wrote a comment on Neils blog. He had written a very funny pc. on Mommy Bloggers..God I hate that title. (though this may point more to my persistent self loathing...again, I digress). I suppose most of the blogs I read, are "Parenting" blogs, to some extent. News flash...LOTS of people reproduce. And once something is created from or near your loins..It tends to hold your attention, for a couple of decades.....There are a few blogs written by people trying to start family...or wishing they had tried sooner. I feel deep affection for these blogs...Wanting something that is hard to get is a universally recognized theme. If any of them read my blog, I would hope they would find my truth here. Not some rosy promo of the perfect life...where all my girls antics are cute, cuddly and sane.

But back to Neil....So, I commented that I really didn't get one of his Blog Hard On's..or as he coyly calls them "Crushes"....I don't hate this blog (that HE lusts for)...I just don't get it. I suppose it's typical of the truly Mommy Blogger gendre. Young childhood is intoxicating...It's suppose to be. It keeps you from leaving your kids at the grocery store with a tag around their necks.."Free to a good home...sort of house trained." Even in the throws of my kids Wonder Years, I managed to know that this was a spell, a love charm, cast on me. The MOM. Not everyone was always smitten with my litter. They had their hold on ME. This was genetically engineered that way. I was a photographer back then, I took a lot of (good) pictures of my girls. That was my Homage, I suppose. They, however, hung only on the wall of my own shrine.

ANYWAY, I made the comment..and Neil wrote back..and warned me I had pretty much Blasphemed!!! I was in danger..and should stop..for fear of my blog life! I'd have the mommy Mafia on my tail...and me with no Cannoli to offer.

Oh well..If this blog disappears ABRUPTLY...at least you'll have a Usual Suspect list to start with.

Don't get me wrong. I write about my daughters often. I've called them some of the leading characters in my melodrama. My only hope is this...that I tell the truth. Perhaps because they are teens now, I know that there's no sense in lying or sugar coating things. As I have stated before...I'm at battle stations, mostly all the time. and some of these battles get bloody...and are not at all pretty to watch.

As for cute pictures, well I still have quite a few..of me and of the girls... so, in the name of fair play, I'll post a few here... You try to figure out which is real and which is illusion.......
posted by wendy at 7:24 AM 2 comments