...quiet, about a lot of things...
Sunday, June 25, 2006
I made a flash judgment and picked this musical memory out of my bag of songs.
Music for Sunday Scribblings
I had just had my first daughter. She was probably less than 6 months old. My husband and I were going through a rough patch. I did not know if we would make it through. Looking back, I realize how young we were. I was 25, but he, he was just 21. Just out of college...first job...and first kid...and first love. I really think I was his first love. I think I hit him hard. Sometimes love doesn't wait for its entrance cues. I arrived, and upstaged his whole life.
He had spent a summer in Europe with a friend, and had just now returned. He had seen the whole world. Now,coming back to me, I think he was realizing his world was closing in, and I was it's nucleus.
You know how little boys look, if their dress shirts and neck ties are too tight.....they tug and pull at the button and knot, to get it to loosen a bit..so they can breath. Certain boys, just rip these ties off... freeing themselves from the grip of growing up..... Other's just strain to get a bit more room for air, but secretly enjoy becoming men, secretly enjoy the accomplishment of handling the pressure, and dealing with the new constraints. This was my husband. He had his hand on his tie....and It was trying to make its mind up.
It was November, the holidays, with their crushing weight of expectation, were just around the corner. I wanted to celebrate all of what was to come...so many blessings...and he was feeling the same, with an equal dose of panic.. no doubt seeing Christmas after Christmas playing before him in terrifying technicolor.
We would never have a Christmas just us (the two of us). Our family came premade, with a bright shiny bow. THE BIG PRESENT, THE ONE YOU DREAMED AND WISHED FOR....but are still a little scared to open... (Was it more fun to want it...than to get it?).
So I directed the next moment in time. My mom took the baby. We took his old 61 VW and my boom box and a tape, cued up inside its mouth. We drove to a major landmark in Pasadena CA...suicide bridge...spanning the Arroyo(valley...) with is incredible arches and gothic ballasts.....It was gated off at both ends...under renovation. the bridge was probably 1 mile long...maybe half mile. It has old fashion street lamps dotting its back like diamonds.
I took him there, he hadn't ever done more than drive by it on the way home from work. He had no clue. It was dark, and foggy. We climbed the chain link fence..him carrying the boom box.. me trying not to die...baby asleep at home in her crib. I walked him to the middle of the two laned deserted bridge and stopped and pushed the button on the box. Chris Issak started to sing just for us...a love song just for us..strange and longing..not sure and certain.. I asked him to dance with me...and he did..to these words
World was on fire
no one could save me but you
Strange what desire
makes foolish people do
I never dreamed i find somebody
I never dreamed I'd lose somebody
Oh I want to fall in love
what a wicked game to play
make me feel this way
what a wicked thing to do
make me dream of you
oh I want to fall in love
Nobody loves no one.....
He held me in his arms, and swayed me back and forth. We danced like kids at the prom...we were kids..though this was much more serious than the prom... it was still our spotlight dance....
Climbing back over the gate...he stayed behind me this time...and made sure I didn't fall.