...quiet, about a lot of things...

Sunday, June 18, 2006

After All These Years

Today was a tough day. Any days like these, mother's Day, Fathers Day, Birthdays are tough for me. If I was a dog, I'd never get many treats, as performing on command, doesn't come naturally to me.

I haven't talked to my dad in over a decade, and before that, easily five years would go by...nothing said. This is not going to be a post about how I missed or mourn for him....An odd thought came to me today, before all hell broke loose. This was the thought....I know what I've missed not having him in my life....but was has he squandered by misplacing me, and losing me? What I wonder, could I have taught him...and for that matter, all other hims that didn't stick around...So this quick note is for my father Richard...and all the other dicks I may have known,

Dear Sir,
What could a girl like me teach a guy like you? (I remember understanding the pull you had on my mother. You were (are??) an epic man.) I could have taught you that staying and facing up, is the bravest thing a person can do. I could have taught you that not saying goodbye is rude. I could have taught you that surrender does take strength, and that silence is cruel. I could have taught you that life holds surprises, good ones, as well as bad. I could have shown you I was worthy of your attention, and recognition. I could have taught you to be proud of the subtle, instead of boastful of the obvious. Sometimes the things passed on, to be proud of, Your legacy, are buried deep within...I might have taught you how to see, without looking, and how to love without wanting. You might have known me,,,and feeling I was known to you, would have made a world of difference.

With or without you, I exist....and have become fierce in my own right, on my own terms...despite your lack of care, I've bloomed...and will continue to bloom...if only for my own pleasure.

Thank you for listening,

Your youngest,

The really hard part of today, is that I'm pretty sure I can expect to a letter similar in content, to the one above, from one of my daughters, someday. I've been here everyday of their lives, but I still will disappoint. I still have bruised them when I was weak. I am as human and flawed as my parents are.

Today was a day I struggled to stand, and spent a good deal of time on my knees, trying to get up. Today was a day a girl could use a father's stready hand to hold.
posted by wendy at 9:47 PM


I know this feeling. Yesterday was tough for me too. It's been 4-1/2 years since my father spoke to me. He maintains his silence through the loss of my sister, through horrible grief, and now into alzheimers. I struggle too.

6/19/06, 9:49 PM  

Hope it all gets a little more bearable. I'm sure your daughters will appreciate all you've done and all you are doing ... maybe not immediately, but there will come a time - especially cos you stuck with them.

6/20/06, 5:40 AM  

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