...quiet, about a lot of things...

A summer storm has rolled in.

Tomorrow I have a horse show, that will now be very muddy..and very moist. Not what I had fore casted.

Next Thursday I leave for CA to drop Rach off at Cal. Even though this HAD been fore casted..as in Chance Of Daughter Leaving For College = 100%....I am somehow still bewildered.

I don't even own an umbrella. Yet here I am in a stormy season. Rach is always telling me we need to get umbrellas. She's one smart cookie.

Maybe that's why she's off to college, whilst I am standing here, dripping wet.

Once upon a time,I used to read a lot of self help books. I thought I would find the answer in one of them. I didn't.

Somehow, even then, I sensed it was bigger than me, this question I kept asking.

I now read a lot of philosophy books, and comparative religion.Oh! How the younger version of myself would LOVE that. See way back when..I mean WAAAAAY BAAAACK..I wanted to be a nun.

I remember going to the commitment ceremony of a young novitiate, seeing her dressed in white, laying prostrate on the marble floor, my elderly aunt whispering that she was now a Bride of Christ.

It gave me chills.

But, I soon grew up enough to realize that living my life away from worldly goods, even if it was for Jesus, wasn't what I really had a knack for.

(I was one of the first to dye my hair in high school..my all girl Catholic high school..I liked my uniforms a little too short, and my drinks way too strong for a girl my age.)

So I took up another calling. Another quest, I guess..and I Began running down rabbit holes many, many, many times over the next decade. Chasing something that seemed right there...but it never was.

I remember praying very hard when I got pregnant with Rachel. I prayed that I could be strong, brave..and willing. Willing to follow, and leap down that hole one last time.

I was very far from a nun at that point. Just the same, many a night, I would lie prostrate on the floor and ask God to come and take me, as I was.

Nealy two decades later, I sometimes feel like I am waking from a hazy dream. A dream where I WAS a mother...where for one brief second life flowed through me, and hands held onto me for comfort. A dream where I was a builder, a sleepy one, but a builder regardless.

It's just that now, I find myself looking at my efforts. I see that they are well forged, that they are true.

But, the building is almost through. Everyone knows it. There comes a time when the project is done. The moment when you just need to live with it, in it. That moment is Now. So, that's right where I am. Listening, once again, to a calling deep inside. To that question.

Except this time, it has an Eastern feel to it. This time it doesn't court me, or ask me to be it's bride. No, this time it dares me to let go of everything I have gathered, all my sticks and stones. It dares me to put down my hammer. It asks me to carefully thank them for bringing me such abundance and joy.

Thank them..and then let them go.

Part of Me is trilled by this notion,as my hands are aching from holding on. My heart is knotted from holding back. That Part of Me would not even turn back.

Still,the other part of me wants to sneak bits of this life, out in my pockets. Hide little parts of it in my lining..and prays I won't get caught.

For if I do get caught, if told to truly empty myself, empty all my nooks and crannies, I don't think I ever could fully release everything.

And even if I could...I know I would be quiety crying,while lovingly clutching the best little trinkets. I know I would plead..."Do I HAVE to?"


Sunday Scribbling prompt.

Try it...I dare ya!!

MyHeritage: Family trees - Genealogy - Celebrities - Collage - Morph

Just for fun...Proves the power of angles. huh?

MyHeritage: Family trees - Genealogy - Celebrities

I'm not sure that this was the desired effect.

So here, I offer the briefest of recaps.

1. I found the speakers uniformly excellent. I listened intently to the McCain vs Obama debate. Try as they may, that's what it ended up being.. A Debate. Two highly accomplished women..jousting. How I respect these women! And yet, how I so wish that there was the possibility of a discussion. For, in all the bobbing and weaving..answers turned more point:counterpoint..rather than, listen then respond.
(A silly aside..I couldn't help thinking about the old "Jane you ignorant slut" line from the vintage SNL gag. If only we could giggle and think at the same time...)

2. I found the men at the conference very approachable. Perhaps because I found the women:

3. very UNAPPROACHABLE. Big surprise.

4. Lastly, I want to offer my profound thanks to the one woman..who approached me at the cocktail party at Macy's...to tell me I had powdered chocolate on the tip of my nose...and on my lips. Down in the lingerie department they had these Kahlua, rocket fuel,coco rimed shot thingys. I told you I would be drinking....So I had one of these little devils, which also had cayenne pepper in there somewhere! CALIENTE'!!!

(Made me almost buy this cute little leopard bustier number....but I digress)...But instead, all I got was a coco milk mustache. PERFECT!!!!!

How I would love candids of me sashaying though all those "cool" women...looking like a 4 year old clown. What? I was going for a look. Really? Not buying that? Ah well....Anyway, thanks to the sister that finally helped me out... probably the 500th woman I saw that night. To all those who said nothing at all....shame, shame on you. Karma is, just like each one of you ...A BITCH.

Shall we just get real? It's not the first time it's happened..Won't be the last. I trip. I drool. I snort when I laugh. That's just how I roll.

It is what it is.

This next week, I'm leaving for an orientation at CAL with Rach...and then I'm attending BLOGHER..a conference of woman bloggers.

At this moment...I am beginning to question my decision. Truth be told, I was planning to hang out with Neil...who is a chic magnet in his own right...but to me, he is just a charming man, who said he would be my "date".

And now..He's not going. And I am going to be without an anchor...Did I mention Neils like UBER tall..while I am 5 foot???....Great for cutting thru crowds.
Plus, Neil was going to be kinda MY wingman.

But this turn of events brings up something about me. The truth is that I am way more comfortable being with men, than being women.Now, I do have girl friends..quite a few that bless my days. But in general,given the choice between in a room full of women..or a room full of men..I'd pick men every time.

This is not because I am a slut.. It's because I am shy. Women in large groups are very hard to get to know. There's a whole scoping out thing that goes on there...and small talk. yuck. I know how men feel. Women can be very unapproachable.

I find men easier to talk to...

How bout you? Are you a girl's girl..or a guy's girl....or a girl's guy..or a guy's guy?

All I can say now is.... I hope they have a bar.
I already need a drink.

My previous post was about how I met my husband. It's a pretty cute story, made all the more romantic, cuz, well we've been married for 17 years.

I promise someday I'll write it all down. I just can't right now. I don't know why.Someday though, I promise.

I've been lucky to have some really "movie" romance moments in my life. I know that when I am 100 years old, I will remember them.

The most romantic was at the airport, saying goodbye to an old boyfriend. Remember when you could say goodbye at the gate? Yeah, how old am I!!!

Anyway, he disappeared down the jet way, in his Navy Whites..oh GOD..those yummy Dress Whites..leaving me sobbing in LAX.

For less than one moment...til he turned back...to find me sobbing..dropped his weekend bag..and stayed for one more night.

No; he didn't carry me thru the terminal, or but his hat on my head ala Debra Winger.. but he didn't have to.

Just being swept up in his arms...knowing he was swept away too..was unforgettable.

How bout you? Share your most romantic moment..Come on I showed you mine..now you HAVE to show me yours!

My biggest chance encounter was meeting my husband on the freeway.

Yep. The freeway. In LA.

I've known him over half his life.

Sometimes taking a chance, pays off.


Think about that next time you're faced with this decision: Should I or Shouldn't I?

You should definately go over to Sunday Scribblings. No Brainer.

I am not 5. Yet sometimes I find myself praying to God as if he is Santa Claus. So maybe I am 5.

Lots of people say that you should pray for the path to be cleared. I am beginning to think, that you should pray for the strength to clear the path.

What do you think?