...quiet, about a lot of things...

Sunday, August 19, 2007

Dear Diary..for Sunday Scribblings.....

Dear Diary,

I really never imagined being here..a mother of two teen aged girls....Just like my mother was the mother of two teen aged girls. Sure, my life is different than my mother's. I've been married longer than she ever was. I am not a drunk. I have had only one lover for the past 2 decades. I have remained a faithful wife, all be it, not a good one at times.

And yet when I get up in the morning,I can't help but notice that my mother's face lurks in mine. Behind the creases lingering too long. Tied within the rings forming on my neck, like some old tree. Mine, I think, marked there by years on a chain held a bit too tightly..to keep me in line. To keep words from bubbling up in my throat and escaping wildly from my lips. These rings have been self inflicted, as I have always held my own chain. I have always been quick to correct severely. Only I know how dangerous I can be.

It is a strange time, now. For I do manage to rip my self away from these visions, and go about my business...only to find myself sleepy in the hall..bumping into myself again...in 17 year old skin..and a little later..in 14 year angst. I see my self just at the beginning. So blind to my beauty...so lonely for love, so hungry for nothing. Every time my girls whisper.."there's nothing to eat." I remember feeling that same emptiness and searching to fill it. I hope they stay away from some of the buffets I frequented..right around their ages.

I hope they stay away from drugs.
I hope they stay away from drink.
I hope they stay away from men and strange beds.
I hope they stay away from false friends, and false gods.
I hope they stay away from far away places and quests to nowhere for nothing.
I hope they stay away from clinics and choices too hard to make.

I wish I could hand them a magic mirror..to hold their gaze. The mirror would show them the beauty, in their eyes and their strong perfect bodies and their fresh and youthful minds. I wish they would see only the good bits of me reflected in their faces. The wink and nod of me, the harmless joker of me.

I watched my daughter gaze into a mirror once, and fretted
"she is too much her mothers daughter."

Nope,I never thought I would be here. Smack in the middle of my life(perhaps?)looking at my future and my past at the same instant. Now there's an odd feeling.

I really thought I'd be dead by now.

and instead I am alive.

I am right here.
in full bloom.


PS... There's much more snooping to be done at Sunday Scribblings....I know where they've hidden the key...It's in the left cup of the tiger print bra on the bottom......
posted by wendy at 9:03 AM


I raised two girls and could have been your twin as a teenager. I so get this post! Thank you. HUGS

8/19/07, 10:50 AM  

You are your mother's daughter but you are not her. There is hell lot of a difference. If you are always there for your daughters, they will not do anything rash. But you have to give them unconditional love. I think you already give them that.


8/19/07, 11:16 AM  

Great entry. I love the positive image of being here and now in full bloom, hoping to give you daughters better than you ever had. Knowing what each daughter does that we both are our mothers and our own women, we must make our own choices wherever it is we came from.

8/19/07, 1:37 PM  

What a powerful look forwards and back.

I live in fear of getting teenagers like I was, or more precisely like my husband and I both were. How on earth do you give the lectures without overwhelming hypocracy written all over your face. "Do as I say not as I did..." My children are young, but I've blogged about it a fair amount recently. Karma is going to come back and bite me on the butt for sure.

8/19/07, 2:14 PM  

What a powerful spilling out of heartfelt feelings. I'm in awe of the raw emotion and tempered wisdom! Nicely done. They (your girls) will do well to grab life by the tail just as their mother did and revel in its mysteries and grow wise too.

8/19/07, 2:41 PM  

You write so well, with such precision.

8/19/07, 10:20 PM  

You are a mother's daughter and a daughter's mother...and they (the daughters) are so blessed to have you.

8/20/07, 7:36 PM  

It's strange, isn't it, to find ourselves in the middle of a life we couldn't have dreamed or imagined. I wish for your daughters all the things that will bring them to rich and happy lives. And for your heart to be satisfied with all that has brought you here.

(I see my mother in the mirror too, and it doesn't please me at all.)

8/21/07, 12:00 AM  

This resonated with me so much. I can see myself in this post even though my son is only 2 1/2 .......I just feel it.

8/21/07, 4:44 AM  

Beautifully written glimpse at what it's like to be in the Middle, a favorite theme of mine.

8/27/07, 6:12 AM  

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