...quiet, about a lot of things...
Sunday, August 19, 2007
Dear Diary..for Sunday Scribblings.....
I really never imagined being here..a mother of two teen aged girls....Just like my mother was the mother of two teen aged girls. Sure, my life is different than my mother's. I've been married longer than she ever was. I am not a drunk. I have had only one lover for the past 2 decades. I have remained a faithful wife, all be it, not a good one at times.
And yet when I get up in the morning,I can't help but notice that my mother's face lurks in mine. Behind the creases lingering too long. Tied within the rings forming on my neck, like some old tree. Mine, I think, marked there by years on a chain held a bit too tightly..to keep me in line. To keep words from bubbling up in my throat and escaping wildly from my lips. These rings have been self inflicted, as I have always held my own chain. I have always been quick to correct severely. Only I know how dangerous I can be.
It is a strange time, now. For I do manage to rip my self away from these visions, and go about my business...only to find myself sleepy in the hall..bumping into myself again...in 17 year old skin..and a little later..in 14 year angst. I see my self just at the beginning. So blind to my beauty...so lonely for love, so hungry for nothing. Every time my girls whisper.."there's nothing to eat." I remember feeling that same emptiness and searching to fill it. I hope they stay away from some of the buffets I frequented..right around their ages.
I hope they stay away from drugs.
I hope they stay away from drink.
I hope they stay away from men and strange beds.
I hope they stay away from false friends, and false gods.
I hope they stay away from far away places and quests to nowhere for nothing.
I hope they stay away from clinics and choices too hard to make.
I wish I could hand them a magic mirror..to hold their gaze. The mirror would show them the beauty, in their eyes and their strong perfect bodies and their fresh and youthful minds. I wish they would see only the good bits of me reflected in their faces. The wink and nod of me, the harmless joker of me.
I watched my daughter gaze into a mirror once, and fretted
"she is too much her mothers daughter."
Nope,I never thought I would be here. Smack in the middle of my life(perhaps?)looking at my future and my past at the same instant. Now there's an odd feeling.
I really thought I'd be dead by now.
and instead I am alive.
I am right here.
in full bloom.
PS... There's much more snooping to be done at Sunday Scribblings....I know where they've hidden the key...It's in the left cup of the tiger print bra on the bottom......