...quiet, about a lot of things...
Tuesday, October 09, 2007
Shift into Renewal
This past weekend was all about rattling my own cage. It involved looking back and leaping forward all in one fell swoop. Lo and behold, I ended up having a good time doing my little spastic time warp dance.
First, the leaping forward stanza. The tempo of this one: haunting..hopeful.
There are not many times in my adult life, when I meet people anymore with out any reference. By this I mean, most people I have in my life now, have come into said life, because of some very concrete connections. I have friends that are mothers, fellow equestriennes or kindred disabled comrades. My bonds with these lovely souls are visible, easy and logical.
The bond with writers I know is much more tenuous. It is invisible and ephemeral. It is,to the naked eye, almost minuscule and murky. Yet, something about it rings so true and real.
Meeting Neil was wonderful. And awkward. And easy. I have not sat with another new man, and eaten...for a very long time. I was suddenly aware of my hands....and my voice..I was reminded of what it feels like to be seen for the first time. A rather odd sensation.
You would think we knew each other already. In some ways we certainly did. In a way that made me feel safe. My defenses never once came up. But still..I realized how much I did not know about him. I think he found me very different than he expected.
I found him much the same as what I had envisioned. He is nuanced, thoughtful, and dare I say, a bit shy....just like me.
Oh yes...He is tall.
He's funny, but he doesn't always lead with this. I really like that about him. I found so much to like about him. He was so much more interesting then the food we were eating. He teased me about this. Most of my loss of appetite, was un- intentional...but clearly he hadn't realized I was one of the most vain women..on planet earth.
OK.. now on to the jerking jarring whiplash of the past. The tempo for this one is staccato, allegro..
Right before I left for my 25th reunion..I was stricken with the most, intense stabbing headache I've had in a very long time. This no doubt, was because my blood pressure was through the roof..and as Neil could attest to..I hadn't really eaten much in days...
I had not been this nervous in DECADES. I went to an all girls school..so any thoughts of past loves..and such are not relevant..
But the thought of these girls left me quaking in my 4 inch heels..Which we all know are a costume for me. I am a dirty riding boot kinda girl. I had even had my nails done. Clearly I was already hiding.
The reunion itself was fun, in a very surreal way. It's true...the 40's are todays 20's. Everyone looked fantastic. We are not 20 any more..but boy..everyone was still tight and taught and well turned out. I tottered around on my heels and tried not to faint.
I cried two times. Not boo hoo. But tears just the same. These women were still some of the best and the brightest. I laughed from a place hidden behind my left kidney. So hard. So deep.
The only sad thing..were the claws. Still there. Perhaps cut shorter..(we all have kids now..and wouldn't want to scratch them unintentionally with overly sharpened weapons. So they are squared, filed and usually sport french manicures.)
But they are still there. They appear in a quick comment, or eye roll or linger a little long over someone else's personal tragedy. A little too much pleasure from someone else's pain.
Yet all and all I glad I attended. I am glad I got the chance to meet eyes with some of my very first loves...NO..NOT IN THAT WAY..geeze..when will the Catholic school girl fantasy die??
I do feel more alive now. More centered firmly in my skin. More balance on my feet. So that has to be a good thing, right?...
Or it may just be,that I finally took off those heels....