...quiet, about a lot of things...

Tuesday, April 03, 2007

Deepest Darkest...for Sunday Scribbling

OK..It's Tuesday...but why quibble. The truth is that this prompt scared me more than a little bit. I have a lot of deepest darkest (s)that I keep well, deep and dark. Some are funny. Some are sad and some are troubling.

Whats that old saying...We are a sick as our secrets? I must be close to terminal!
Instead of getting entirely teary and dramatic..I thought I'd just pick three, in random order.

One of my deepest darkest desires is/was? to be devastatingly beautiful. Like, do damage beautiful. Slash and burn and take no prisioners beautiful. It's a really shallow thing to want. But I have wanted it badly for a long time.

2.The next desire would be to be graceful. Fluid. Lyric. To move with physical ease and elegance. To be poised. In guided imagery exercises..I have always wanted to be a skater.. or a ballerina. Speed agility and grace. That would be heaven for me.

3. I harbour much anger towards my mother. I'm not sure I love her. I love the IDEA of her. My whole adult life has been spent trying not to become her. Now hold on for the U turn here, when my own daughters call me "Grannie" (their pet name for my mom..really Grannie Goose..I know weird huh..My mom picked it..not me)I however, feel some weird sense of glee. As long as it's not pointing out some resemblance in psychotic behaviour...My mom has a lot of odd and charming mannerisms. I like when those come out..As for the dark side to her...I always carry a large stick in side of me (mags would say up my Bu**) to keep that monster under control.

My lack of compassion for my mother,shocks and scares me. I am not proud of this. In fact I am ashamed.

I promised three...so three you'll get! I'm off to...oh I can't tell you...It's a deep dark.....

Thanks for the prompt..Sunday Scribblings.
posted by wendy at 7:59 AM


I have this vague idea that many, if not most, even all, women long to be stunningly beautiful. I obsess about it at times, and kind of wish I could redefine beautiful to be something other than fashion mags tell us it is, but still can't shake that feeling. And I think I feel a similar way about my grandmother as you do to your mother. I don't allow her to cross my thoughts too much but when I have to, as in she's sat in front of me, I pretty much despise her. Perhaps it is because deep down I fear that most of my worst character traits are inherited from her.

4/3/07, 2:08 PM  

Hey. You ARE devastatingly beautiful. You know that, don't you? I never used to think I was very pretty. Now, looking back, I think I was not so bad....

NEVER was graceful...but, I have no issues with my mother or grandmothers. I miss them.

But, I could admit any of my deep dark secrets...not now, not ever.

4/3/07, 3:36 PM  

Freudian slip. I meant to say I could NEVER admit any of my deep dark secrets!

4/3/07, 3:38 PM  

As always you are aweinspiringly honest. I can't admit to my deepest darkest - in public. I perhaps weave them a little into my writing - but heavily disguised. I'm a wuss! I am in awe of someone like yourself who bravely reveals.

4/3/07, 8:02 PM  

Coming to terms with who our parents really are and how we feel about them is the work of adulthood.

4/4/07, 9:24 AM  

Your honesty is refreshing.
Do not be too hard on yourself as far as the Mom thing. I think that the mother/daughter relationship is one of the most complicated and difficult combinations.

4/4/07, 4:41 PM  

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