...quiet, about a lot of things...
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
It's the Happiest Time of the Year
This picture was taken the evening of a doctors appointment. One of my daughters is struggling. I have passed my depressive spirit on to her. I watched as the joy drained out of her in the last year.
Enough was enough. I took her to the doctor, and gave them my permission to help her. The tears of relief spilled down her oh so young cheeks.
I feel profoundly ashamed. I have burdened her with my dark side. With my unshakable melancholy. With my slightly eschew point of view. I feel like I have betrayed her.
The good thing, and there is always a good thing, is that I sucked it up and got her help. I chose to look her in the eye and admit that something was not right. I chose to drag her from her bed. I helped her.. help herself. I believe I was just her age the first time I retreated into the black of my room for months. No one seemed to notice. As mad as she is at me, she at least knows I noticed.
As that same layer of shame began to fall on her shoulders...(I mean how many times have we told our kids how "Blessed" they are..how privileged...how spoiled (sigh))..I told her I was proud that she decided to take control of her life. I told her now she was becoming a woman. I hope that this choice to fight for herself, will help her speak up in the future. Ask for birth control when she needs it..Insist on condoms..and say No when no is what she means...in all kinds of situations.
Not that taking a pill makes you better; but telling the truth does. And trying to dig out; does. Asking for..and accepting help, certainly does.
So, is this above picture a lie? A delusion? I don't want to think so. I want to think of it as a vision...a diffused glow of what we almost are..perhaps what we really are, when we slow down, drop our masks...and believe.
Perhaps this is the Christmas portrait of the family we truly are, when we all decide to see ourselves for who we really are. Right now. Right this moment.