...quiet, about a lot of things...
Monday, August 04, 2008
Do I Have To? for Sunday Scribblings
Once upon a time,I used to read a lot of self help books. I thought I would find the answer in one of them. I didn't.
Somehow, even then, I sensed it was bigger than me, this question I kept asking.
I now read a lot of philosophy books, and comparative religion.Oh! How the younger version of myself would LOVE that. See way back when..I mean WAAAAAY BAAAACK..I wanted to be a nun.
I remember going to the commitment ceremony of a young novitiate, seeing her dressed in white, laying prostrate on the marble floor, my elderly aunt whispering that she was now a Bride of Christ.
It gave me chills.
But, I soon grew up enough to realize that living my life away from worldly goods, even if it was for Jesus, wasn't what I really had a knack for.
(I was one of the first to dye my hair in high school..my all girl Catholic high school..I liked my uniforms a little too short, and my drinks way too strong for a girl my age.)
So I took up another calling. Another quest, I guess..and I Began running down rabbit holes many, many, many times over the next decade. Chasing something that seemed right there...but it never was.
I remember praying very hard when I got pregnant with Rachel. I prayed that I could be strong, brave..and willing. Willing to follow, and leap down that hole one last time.
I was very far from a nun at that point. Just the same, many a night, I would lie prostrate on the floor and ask God to come and take me, as I was.
Nealy two decades later, I sometimes feel like I am waking from a hazy dream. A dream where I WAS a mother...where for one brief second life flowed through me, and hands held onto me for comfort. A dream where I was a builder, a sleepy one, but a builder regardless.
It's just that now, I find myself looking at my efforts. I see that they are well forged, that they are true.
But, the building is almost through. Everyone knows it. There comes a time when the project is done. The moment when you just need to live with it, in it. That moment is Now. So, that's right where I am. Listening, once again, to a calling deep inside. To that question.
Except this time, it has an Eastern feel to it. This time it doesn't court me, or ask me to be it's bride. No, this time it dares me to let go of everything I have gathered, all my sticks and stones. It dares me to put down my hammer. It asks me to carefully thank them for bringing me such abundance and joy.
Thank them..and then let them go.
Part of Me is trilled by this notion,as my hands are aching from holding on. My heart is knotted from holding back. That Part of Me would not even turn back.
Still,the other part of me wants to sneak bits of this life, out in my pockets. Hide little parts of it in my lining..and prays I won't get caught.
For if I do get caught, if told to truly empty myself, empty all my nooks and crannies, I don't think I ever could fully release everything.
And even if I could...I know I would be quiety crying,while lovingly clutching the best little trinkets. I know I would plead..."Do I HAVE to?"
Sunday Scribbling prompt.