...quiet, about a lot of things...
Monday, April 30, 2007
Have I mentioned I have a temper? I am slow to snap..but when I do you get the whole snap crackle POP. Well, I popped all over my family within the last 24 hours. Each and every last one of them. Sigh.
I have valid beefs with each one. But that's not the point.The point is I am trying to hold them to a standard that I have never attained. Real fair, huh.
Here's the gist:
I am tired of living in a... You scratch my back..I'll scratch yours family...and for that matter, world. Here at mi casa, everyone is just happy as little clams when they are getting what they want. Maggie gets cloths and accessories. Rachel gets to feel superior to the world..and Michael gets to come and go as he pleases.I, myself like to be pampered, a little...We all exist in this perfectly balanced world of exchanged favors..until the delicate balance is thrown off.... Until I asked Maggie to make me a sandwich after my horse show yesterday.
I was tired. I just wanted her to do it for me. Just do it. Please. But alas, I had nothing to barter. I was spent. Let's just say, she didn't do it.I wasn't pleased.
S N A P.
I went down stairs..(I could embellish a bit here and say I hobbled...)and found my husband in a pouty mood having made dinner for he and Maggie. He was under the "impression" that I was not eating..since I was dressed for bed.
Really what was happening, was that, he had been home since Friday and I had yet to put my wares on the table, so to speak. Nothing to offer..nothing received. Get the picture? K R A C K L E.,
And Rach..well, the usual.. She was up late this AM, causing mois..her chauffeur to rush to get her to her drop off...Somehow,this is my fault..as I hand her a check for something..She reminds me of my anger management issues... P O P
Now here's the hard part to swallow. I am no different. Perhaps a bit more unconditional...but when I do unto others...I expect SOMETHING. A thank you, a credit in the bank of worth and good mommydom. I expect a tally mark in the sky.
I want to get off this ride called the cirkle j*rk..insert e.
I want to evolve to the point where I can do the chore or the favor or the kindness just for the sake of the deed, not the credit in the bank. I want to remain anonymous. No tally marks. Just doing for the sake of doing...for the pleasure of being of service.
But until I can manage this... how on earth can I expect my family to?....
Ahhh, growth is a hairy assed bit**!!!(oh the google hits I'll get from this post!)
F**K it!..(did I mention I swear when I'm mad...and "evolving"?)
Saturday, April 28, 2007
Wings of Desire for Sunday Scribblings
Just this morning I was feeling frightened. I often pray. Sometimes direct..sometime through angels. I think of my grandmother as one of my guardians...Another of my angels has a wicked sense of humour..yeah.. I guess I'd call it humour.
But, this morning I tried something different. I imagined the angel was within me. I tried to imagine, just for an instant feeling strong..beyond strong, invincible. I felt the weight of the wings. Where would they attach to my back?? What would it feel like to move the air, the heavens with my body?
I tried this, to feel the power within. As I've gotten older, I have grown weary of praying for help..divine intervention. I have instead shifted to asking for the patience and wisdom to find the strength to face off my enemies. I want to fight the good fight. I want to stand my ground. I need to feel the conviction of angels. The all knowing KNOWING. The connection to greatness. I need to transcend.
After that, I will fly. But for now I will stand tall and prepare the way for WINGS.
For more Winged fancies...go to Sunday Scribblings
PS: My favorite cinema images of angels are:
Angel in America...Emma Thomson..both as the nurse, the Archangel,and the proprietress of heaven..In God's "absence".
Wings of Desire. THE WHOLE THING..period..
and Clarence from It's A Wonderful Life...'Cause just like Clarence...I'll probably just muddle through, tripping as I go along.
Thursday, April 26, 2007
Form over Function? for Poetry Thursday
It was written for my trainer, who's mare lost it's foal. The foal was born beautifully alive, but weak, and malformed, with a blaze and four white socks. It first day was its last.
Having to stay in form...may have made this easier to write. Just an aside...I brought the mare, Sidnae, a 20 pound bag of carrots. I fed her some, as the snow covered the ground with white. White, just like the orchids..
I bring her orchids
in times of grief.
an offering of hope
a line of buds
jade buttons on a sleeve.
I bring her orchids
with two or three
an offering of hope,
spread wide and exposed
anchoring the base with ripe.
I bring her orchids
to balance the cruel with the possible.
to lead the fertile way home
an offering of hope.
I can not explain the why of death.
So instead, I find a perfect life.
I bring her orchids
an offering of hope.
Form a line..single file...and follow me to Poetry Thursday....
Labels: Poetry Thursday
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
15 years ago I was living in Claremont, California..."and going to the chapel and gonna get married". Here are some random details I remember...
We got married at 12 noon..during a heat wave...
The little one in the picture is Rachel.
Yes, that is fuzzy math.
Michael asked me to marry him at the beach..with Rach in a baby back pack...
No joke...I said.."yeah, RIGHT!!"
My first engagement ring came from Best...I think now defunct. It turned my finger green..I was actually allergic to it..Enter ring number two. I think we bought this one for my 3rd anniversary. It was white gold..instead of yellow..and I lost the stone out of it at Walgreen's. I called Michael so UPSET..he thought one of the kid's had died. I wore a stering silver band for a long time after that. My ring now, is a vintage platinum set...I got for my 10th anniversary. I have managed to hold on to it for 5 years.. A record for me.
The morning of my wedding, I got up, went for a massage, came home..and did my own hair and makeup. I looked very much myself.
We took a horse and carriage to our reception. We had Rach and our niece and nephew ride along..Us and 3 under three year olds. I did not ride back then...but I loved horses. The carriage was my Mother in Laws idea.
I had the DJ's from the CRUSH BAR in Hollywood at the reception. I was a regular at the Crush, on Cahuenga and Hollywood, for years. Only club I was considered VIP, never waited in line...never paid...(and I secretly LOVED it!!) It was a Motown dance club. Very hip for its time!! It's closed now.
Our first dance was to "What a Wonderful World"..Louis Armstrong..Oh Yeah!
I don't think I have ever felt the way I felt that day. Truly like a princess.
Michael and I went to Palm Springs for 2 days..without Rach...Then to Pismo Beach and Monterrey as a family.
We had to stop for condoms in Claremont on the way to the desert. We laughed alot.
We haven't stopped laughing..15 years later!
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
Sunday, April 22, 2007
Dance with Me
Senior prom..was spent with a guy friend..actually an ex, who was still pining for me..while the new beau was at his own prom..We had both already been asked, when we met. Well, at least we has a little class..and didn't dump our dates. I'm sure I was lovely company for my date.(sure) As for my new boyfriend...in hindsight he probably got some...Boys being boys..and all...
Anyway..here's Rach..Junior Prom...Theme ..of course..Double O 7.....
She did come home early..skipped after prom..I'm sure there is a story there....
Monday, April 16, 2007
Ask Me No Question, I'll Tell You No Lie
1. Do you monitor your children's' Internet activity and cell phone use?
I just bought Maggie and Rach new phones. Past the minutes they use...It's none of my business. I let them have their space. I have snooped on occasion, rare, by reading a note left on a planner..or reading an arm...Yeah girls write on each other occasionally..Go figure.
I have never listened in on a phone call...or read a diary. I have walked in on Rach at 1AM..after waking to her IM sound..and gone ballistic.
I do worry about them, but I'm here to provide support..and pick up the pieces when they make mistakes. I'm not sure it's the right approach,but it's the one I'm using. That said, they have not given me anything to feel anxious about yet. If they do...my strategies may change.
2. Why do you harbor feelings of anger toward your mother?
I was a sick kid. My dad took off early. I think the first time he left,I was 2 or 3. I was very close to my mom. Probably too close. When my dad went, she was heartbroken. I guess I became her cause. She was gonna fix me.
Flash forward a bit, mom became a raging alcoholic. I was about as "fixed" as I was gonna get. I then became the cause ..of her decent into misery, and all her problems.. My mom shared that my dad left, because of me...and she couldn't "do" her boyfriend neurosurgeon all over the house because of me..and oh yeah..my step father. She married him to give us a father figure...but she never loved him...
I could keep going, but there is bile in my throat, and I don't much like the taste.
She has never gone into recovery. Ask her, even today, and she will tell you she does not have a problem. Period.
3. Are there any songs that bring tears to your eyes?
Oddly enough, songs that remind me of my mom..Mother and Child Reunion, I Can See Clearly Now.(Bright Sun Shiny Day) So Far Away, or anything sad from Tapestry by Carol King, and Over the Rainbow with the right singer...and Have yourself a Merry Little Christmas.
4. What really turns you on and gets you "in the mood?"
Uncomfortable pause. Much thinking....X rated and PG rated...No really. This is a very complicated question. I feel sexy when I feel beautiful. I like seeing my husband's "need" for me after all these years. I like how we know each other bodies and tempos. I also love to laugh during and before and after sex...I'm definitely an afternoon delight girl. Next question....
5. How committed are you to blogging on a regular basis?
Now for this one I feel Karl has become Jiminy Cricket. But he has a point. I slack off sometimes.
All in all, I feel pretty committed to my blog. Mostly to Poetry Thursday..but I have grown very fond of my friends here.
I just don't write on days I feel depressed or whiny. In that way, I guess I edit myself. I'm not sure that bodes well for total honesty. But on bad days, I hardly get my psychical self going, let alone my creative self in gear. I've battled depression off and on my whole life. When it hits badly, breathing is an effort.
Well, on such an uplifting answer, I'll be done!
That was fun....Now if you want to join in just let me know in the comments...and I would be happy to interview you. We'll work out the logistic's when I see who wants to play.
Thanks again to Karl..He's a swell guy..and he single.....
DIRECTIONS FOR THE INTERVIEW MEME
1. Leave me a comment saying, "Interview me."
2. I will respond by emailing you five questions. I get to pick the questions.
3. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions
Sunday, April 15, 2007
Alter Ego for Sunday Scribblings
Those, I suppose, are fantasy alter egos. So I'll try to construct a more realistic secret identity..(yeah right)
Once when I was younger,so much younger than today, a drunken boy backed up into me at a bar. He apologized to me, saying he had mistaken me for a tree...a ficus to be specific. See, sometimes I got tired off the drill and would show up at the bar wearing my glasses and flats. "The real me"...evidently was easily mistaken for a tree that drops it's leaves when you move it. Great. The true me is a hysterical plant.
So the more realistic alter ego..would have to be capable of a Clark Kent transformation. That's a given.
The second factor..would have include the word "cougar". Seems women of my age bracket are now known as cougars. Interesting. Very interesting.
So here she is...
My alter ego would be a mild mannered 40'ish myopic cougar.
Younger girls, half my age,might giggle at me. Most of the time..I'll just laugh along and adjust my glasses. However, if any of them really needs to be taught a lesson, well then.... I'd just hone in on the object of their kitten pawed affection...slide on up..and move in for the kill.
Funny things..pony tails are meant to come down, glasses are meant to come off, and most old cougars are masters at the hunt. Many years of stalking...many tricks up there sleeves. He won't even hear me coming.....until it too late.
I think I'll strut on over to Sunday Scribblings...and size up my competion!!!
Thursday, April 12, 2007
Nowhere Near Natural...for PoetryThursday
I bring to you
this hollow eulogy
the structure of grief
the outline of loss
the perimeter of life
the indentation of you.
all spooned out
no such string
or pumpkin seed
carefully picked clean
of the soft
of your eyes
the full upper
of your lip
the heart point tip
of your chin.
I bring you
only this empty shell
as make believe.
An impostor wearing
a misspelled sign.
I need it so.
Get on over to Poetry Thursday!
Labels: Poetry Thursday
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
I Never Would Write
"Dear Soon to be deceased,
We would like your eulogy to be written by a family member or close friend.
Some things the eulogy should include are:
...Cause of Death
...Hobbies and Extracurricular activities
...Dreams and Goals hopes for after High School
This is the bare minimum. They should make it as if they are really writing your Eulogy"
Rachel believes in this program. She wants me to do this for her. I'm having a really hard time with it. Beyond superstition. It sends chills down my spine. I have stared at the paper for a week.
I promised her. This is some type of strange torture.
I hope it at least touches someone...makes one person think.
Sunday, April 08, 2007
Look It's Snowing..It Must Be Easter!
This holiday is quiet for me. I watch the History channel...and study Jesus again. My husband marvels how I can be transfixed by the same specials..The same old religious tales..The same dreamy blue eyed Jesus. But I am. Always. It's the season of the passion. This is why I love it. The passion it stirs in me. For the possibility of such a fine man, such a fine God, such a fine belief.
No church, or doctrine or political agenda. Just a man teaching love. and forgiveness. and telling Satan to get behind him and go to hell. Just a man on a mission, living fearlessly.
So today, Jesus is my hero..He so rocks! snowflakes..or not!
Mags Michael and Rachel
A truce is called in honor of Easter
I told Michael.."No picture..no Dinner...now just hold still"
Friday, April 06, 2007
Wandered over to January's blog Poet Mom...and saw she was awarded an honor for top mom blog..in one of their categories. Cool. She deserves it. She has a great blog and seems like a good mom.
Then there's me. Yes ME. Everything is about MY relation to everything else. I'll tell you why I would not be listed for a mom award....My daughters both loathe me right now. I think a karmic retribution of teenage angst proportions.. because of revealing my own ambivalence towards my own mother.
Or perhaps, it's just the natural order of things...daughters at some point must hate their mothers. Period. This does not tend to give readers the warm and fuzzies. Friends with younger daughters..seem scared to talk to me lately. I am like the grim reaper of parenthood. An omen of what is yet to come.
It's true, I had about 11 good years of love with both of my girls. They thought I was kooky and fun and " the best Mom in the world"!! I was a room mom, a girl scout leader and even a Sunday school teacher..FOR GOD'S SAKE!!! I was trotted out and paraded at soccer games and threw cool birthday parties.
But that was then. This is now.
And now can be summed up by two incidences..occurring yesterday.
1.7:10PM...Carpooling (4) almost 14 year olds home from soccer..half hour trip. My youngest Maggie, is the one doomed to the front seat. We are not speaking. In fact, no one is speaking. Each girl is texting to someone else in the car. What about? I don't know. I am not supposed to know. This is made obviously clearly the side ways glances..and the muffles snickers. They are IN and I am OUT.
2. 8:30PM.. After a whole 10 minutes at home.. older, Rachel calls for a pick up..back down where I just came from..half hour trip. On the way home we discuss how her day was. She had an interview for a trip to a mock women's congress this summer. It is being sponsored by the VFW...(Veterans of Foreign Wars). She had to write about the American flag. (Did I mention she is the president of the "Democrats in Action" club she founded at school?) Her essay was presented to older baby boomer women.. Wives of older baby boomers. Wives of older baby boomer VETERANS. Her essay, from what I gathered, spoke of the flag as a symbol of FREE SPEECH...and she went from fee speech to protest..and from protest to revolution...Get the picture.
I was amused at first..proud even. Then somehow, the conversation veered to her friend and her REFUSAL to say the pledge of allegiance at school..Why?? because it says one nation, UNDER GOD. Rach thought this was way cool. I told her I thought it was fighting for fightings sake. Then we careened into the KKK and freedom of speech and atheists are people too...
By the time we pulled into our driveway, we too, were not speaking. I think my last comment was.."What's wrong with asking GOD for a little help. I sure need it...That's for sure."
She slammed the car door, went in and got her veggie penne out of the fridge(did I mention, that a vegetarian option MUST be offered at every meal)..ignored the dishes in the sink (her one and only domestic job)...and raged off to her room..screaming about how she CANT WAIT TO LEAVE THIS HOUSE....
I think I deserve some type of award for my day as a mom....The title is obvious to me this morning.. The "Most Loathed Mom" in Parker, CO .... Envelope please....And the winner is......
Thursday, April 05, 2007
Dear Liz,....For Poetry Thursday
How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of Being and ideal Grace.
I love thee to the level of everyday's
Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light.
I love thee freely, as men strive for Right;
I love thee purely, as they turn from Praise.
I love thee with the passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints, -I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life! - and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.
elizabeth barrett browning
Wow! Someone has it bad! In today's world, I hate to tell you, this would a mistake. A BIG mistake! Nowadays, men have what they call "commitment issues". And love has often been described as a four letter word.
Sure we still have the feelings,...but we play it cool. The surest way to turn a mans heart to stone..is to surrender completely. (Your poem is very sweet..I must confess....)
Oh, and by the by..no woman in her right mind would promise to love better after death. This really reeks of stalker and boiled bunnies.
That or it's an invitation for dear ole hubby to "assist you" in your departure..So he can get on with life, his purse in tact. Sadly, you see, in today's world we have what is called..Wife Number TWO.
Take heed, Dear Lizzie! No doubt you have talent..That much is clear. Just, perhaps next time, you should write of rage or menstrual cramps...These things, though they may appear frightful at first glance, are really much less menacing in the long run.
You have to learn to play this game with your head, rather than your heart. Trust me on this.
PS..You really should check out Poetry Thursday....It's kinda like a sewing circle..heaps of fun..and only a few pricks! (just kidding)
Labels: Poetry Thursday
Tuesday, April 03, 2007
Deepest Darkest...for Sunday Scribbling
Whats that old saying...We are a sick as our secrets? I must be close to terminal!
Instead of getting entirely teary and dramatic..I thought I'd just pick three, in random order.
1. One of my deepest darkest desires is/was? to be devastatingly beautiful. Like, do damage beautiful. Slash and burn and take no prisioners beautiful. It's a really shallow thing to want. But I have wanted it badly for a long time.
2.The next desire would be to be graceful. Fluid. Lyric. To move with physical ease and elegance. To be poised. In guided imagery exercises..I have always wanted to be a skater.. or a ballerina. Speed agility and grace. That would be heaven for me.
3. I harbour much anger towards my mother. I'm not sure I love her. I love the IDEA of her. My whole adult life has been spent trying not to become her. Now hold on for the U turn here, when my own daughters call me "Grannie" (their pet name for my mom..really Grannie Goose..I know weird huh..My mom picked it..not me)I however, feel some weird sense of glee. As long as it's not pointing out some resemblance in psychotic behaviour...My mom has a lot of odd and charming mannerisms. I like when those come out..As for the dark side to her...I always carry a large stick in side of me (mags would say up my Bu**) to keep that monster under control.
My lack of compassion for my mother,shocks and scares me. I am not proud of this. In fact I am ashamed.
I promised three...so three you'll get! I'm off to...oh I can't tell you...It's a deep dark.....
Thanks for the prompt..Sunday Scribblings.